| Heard Katy Perry's newest single last night as I was driving home. Loved the lyrics. I'm glad she's gone through a breakup that's resulted in some good tunes about heartache. Just like how Adele's breakup got me through last year's heartache. Yay for turning personal pain into art that helps others.
He's in NY right now for his cousin's wedding. I wonder if on last night's flight, instead of sitting next to me, he had to sit next to a really big person who spilled over into his seat. I hope so. On the flight back too. Would serve him right.
His sister emailed me yesterday to thank me for the kids' gifts and the dessert stuff I'd brought to dinner -- they ate it all on the plane -- and said the girls were chattering about Miyazaki night and that they were all hoping to see me again soon. I'd sent her a couple of recommendations for things to do and eat when they go to Maui in a couple weeks (since I'm not going to be there to take them in person), and she was really appreciative. It feels good to be appreciated -- if not by Actor Guy, then at least by his family.
In the end though, the person who should appreciate me and want me around should be AG. I can't marry his family, much as we like each other. It makes me so sad. I'm glad I'm establishing a relationship of sorts with his sister, but I really loved his mom too. She's the loveliest woman -- and so fun to talk to, especially since she was born and raised in the States. I'm used to interacting with immigrant parents who have a different cultural background and first language, so I really enjoyed hanging out with his mom. There's no way to have a relationship with her, unfortunately.
I reactivated my eHarmony account last night, and also went back on OKCupid last night, thinking to message this one guy I'd seen whose profile I'd sort of liked and who had high compatibility numbers. Figure the sooner I can get back on the dating horse, the easier it will be for me to look forward...all this looking back has been exhausting. I hate crying all the time. But I looked at the guy's profile again, and looked at his pictures, and felt really unenthused. He looked cute in one picture, but in the rest he looked sort of doughy and weird, with not-so-great teeth that reminded me a little of R. His writing wasn't bad, except he started off his profile with "I'm an honest, intelligent man who ... " which made me pause. When you have to say that you're honest and intelligent, then are you really? Show me, don't tell me. It sort of killed my interest. I should probably message him anyway, just to see if I can get a response, and to get some practice in. But looking at all those men's profiles just depressed me. Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink. It makes me miss AG even more.
I did see a guy on eHarmony that interested me. Actually he was matched up with me last year, after Actor Guy and I had been on a few dates already. I remember thinking this guy had potential, but I was already being swept off my feet by AG at the time and never did anything about it. I was pleased to see that the guy was still active on the site, and a little surprised, since he seems cool. He has a nice face, grew up in LA but lived abroad and on both coasts like me, went to Georgetown and is a lawyer. In his profile last year, he had indicated that he was divorced with a 7-year-old daughter. I noticed last night that his profile now has no mention of his daughter at all. Not sure what that means -- maybe he was having trouble getting dates? But I'm starting to think that my only chance of ever being a mom, or being a mother figure, would be to end up with a man who already had kids. Not exactly the way I pictured things, but then what is?
So maybe I'll reach out to Lawyer Dad and see if he responds. He's cute and smart, so I'm at least intrigued. As for the other guy, I'm so not excited about him anymore, but I'm thinking I should still send a message, if only for the practice.
All of this online dating stuff is, for the most part, horribly depressing. I don't want to be doing this! I want AG back. I hope AG is having even worse luck in his attempts at dating. I keep wanting him to come to his senses, but my therapist said something funny this week: "Maybe he doesn't have any." She also pointed out that it didn't seem to come as that big of a surprise to his family. "Clearly he's done this before. He can attract cool women, but he can't keep them. It's not you. Keep saying that yourself. It's really not you." Really? Couldn't one say the same about me? I've attracted some cool guys, but I can't keep them. They either die or they decide I don't do it for them. How can it NOT be me?
Ugh. Thinking about him dating other women just makes me sick to my stomach. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| Dinner with AG's family went really well last night. I don't know if I'll see them again, but they certainly talked as if we would. They talked about having me over for a Miyazaki movie night, since I've seen but two of his films and AG's nieces have seen ALL of them. It's funny, most kids know every film in the Disney canon, but of course these kids -- offspring of a novelist and a filmmaker -- are obsessed with the Miyazaki oeuvre. And AG's sister said that when I came over for Miyazaki night, that she would get out her giant box of yarn and we could knit fuzzy hats. The idea of it sounds tremendously appealing, although who knows if it will actually happen.
The husband is working on a talk for an all-day writing seminar that he's doing in the fall, and I told him I'd love to see/hear it. He said he'd be interested in getting my opinion on it, which is really cool -- this is a guy whose very first book was nominated for a Pulitzer, and he shares a literary agent with Bill Clinton. I told them about my novel, and they helped me figure out a snag in the plot that I'd run into. AG's brother-in-law said he thought his daughters would be up for reading the novel and giving me feedback once I'm ready to show it to people. The older one, who's turning 11 this week, has already had practice giving notes to another family friend who has been working on a children's fantasy series for HarperCollins. So it would be great to have a kid -- a precocious one at that -- read my work and give me feedback.
It was really wonderful talking to them about writing, and about their work. They're both such incredibly talented, smart and kind individuals who've accomplished so much. I mean, they both have their own Wikipedia pages. I'm so intimidated by them in theory, but then in person they're just...people.
The girls fought over who would get to sit next to me and loved the birthday gifts I brought them, putting on their novelty necklaces right away. AG's sister took pictures of them goofing with their mustache necklaces. I think I riled up the younger one before she was supposed to go to bed, but I couldn't help myself -- it was just so much fun to watch them open their presents. Their birthdays are this week and originally I was supposed to be in New York with them and would've been able to help celebrate. I ended up adding a couple more fun things that I got on sale -- a book for each of them from Anthropologie, and little kits with hair ties and lip balm from The Children's Place that matched the foam water guns I got them from Target weeks ago (pre-break-up). I'd also gotten them each a craft kit (glitter glue pens for the 8-year-old, friendship bracelet kit for the 11-year-old). I'm so glad I got to wish them a happy birthday in person and spoil them a little. Everything I got them was inexpensive, but it looked like a lot and I'm pretty proud of how I wrapped everything.
The whole family is lovely and amazing. It astonishes me that they wanted to hang out with me, although I'm sure it's because the girls have taken to me -- and they've probably taken to me because I love to give them presents! Maybe the family was just being nice to me because of that? But it really did feel like there's still a desire for a relationship there. AG's sister said her parents were ready to get rid of AG and adopt me, and she told me that the 8-year-old wanted to write me a certificate making me an honorary member of the family. Was it weird being there without AG, and also not really talking about him? Yes. That part sucked so hard. But it was also so much fun spending time with them. Not all has been lost. It feels like a real gift.
If I get to spend time with them again, I will again see it as a big gift. But I'm prepared if we don't. They're all so busy, and I'm sure the girls will forget me after a while. That's perfectly okay. I think I went out on a really good note, and left the door open for ongoing friendship. It feels good. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| After spending all my energy trying not to cry, then giving in to long bouts of sobbing all weekend (my god, when will I stop fucking crying?!), I am wiped. I know it often gets darkest before the dawn, or harder before it gets easier, etc., but man, I've been getting my ass kicked. It's been a long difficult weekend of longing for him and grappling with confusion and sorrow.
But I just canceled my ticket to Hawaii, and for the first time in days I feel a little better. It's horribly sad, but it was a proactive step that made me feel like I was doing something important, necessary and therefore positive for myself. I feel almost good -- like I broke free from something. I was dreading doing it and was holding on to it, but now that I'm officially not going on the trip and have a big fat credit to go anywhere I want, it feels almost liberating. I am free of that depressive, aimless Peter Pan.
Even if I never find love again, I don't want to hang on to a dead-end situation, or dead-end feelings. They'll only weigh me down. I want to move forward and get all this shit behind me. Better to actively take steps rather than be stuck and stagnant, holding on to something that will never grow. I read a quote today that struck a chord:
"When it's over, it's over. Take what you learned and carry on."
--Justine Musk
What have I learned from this one?
I learned I can love deeply and wholeheartedly again, with every fiber of my being. I learned that I can be thrilled by someone and consumed with love for them in a way I didn't think I'd ever feel again. I learned I could again be filled with joy in the presence of another. I learned I could find someone even better suited for me than the one that came before. I learned I can be a great girlfriend and addition to the family -- not that I didn't already know that, but it was nice to get additional confirmation.
I learned how to hold firm when something isn't working and to walk away when it's clear that it can't be saved. I learned to have enough sense of self-worth to not settle for crumbs when I deserve (and want) a full meal. I learned how to end a relationship with dignity, and to break up with someone who isn't giving me what I need.
I learned even more about what I want in a relationship. Sure, it's great to feel adored, as AG initially made me feel, but I also have to know that I'm LOVED -- none of this playacting business. I learned that I want to love and be loved with all my heart. I also learned I can survive the end of yet another relationship -- even one I wanted more than anything.
So that's something. I haven't always been able to remember these things, but the lessons learned are still there. Where I go from here, god only knows. But I will carry on. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I did something bad and checked AG's Twitter feed Wednesday night. I unsubscribed from it right after we broke up, but I still check it from time to time. And what I saw actually made me happy -- or at least, made me feel better. He tweeted: "Is that you, rock bottom?...Here I come!"
I don't know why he said that, but I'd like to think it's because he went on OKCupid and saw that I'd been on the site. He tweeted around 5 pm, and that's the time when he'd been on the dating site the day before. So in my fantasy, he went on for his daily date-trolling fix, saw that I'd been on the site (which he would've seen because it shows who's been looking at your profile on what date; AG had last looked at my profile on May 8, exactly three weeks to the day after the breakup), and felt really shitty. Hence the tweet. The notion that he might be having a hard time, that he was suffering and sad and maybe even hitting rock bottom -- that made me feel TONS better. I went back to his Twitter feed last night to look at it again, and saw that he'd deleted that tweet. But I know I didn't imagine it, because it went such a long way in calming me down (I was a total wreck Wednesday). So I'm glad I got to see it.
I know, I know, I sound nuts. Pain and heartbreak will make a person temporarily insane though. I keep thinking about all the good things about him and us, and forgetting or ignoring all the things that led to me realizing that it wasn't working and that we needed to split up. Also, he's not trying to get me back -- he's on a freaking dating site trying to get back out there. He's trying to plow forward, and I'm still hanging on. I have to let go. He doesn't want me, so why do I still want him so badly?!
In reading all my journal entries leading up to the breakup, I am reminded that this didn't just happen willy-nilly -- a lot of thought and careful reasoning went into this, and I agonized over doing it even as he was pushing me to it. If I didn't do it, he would've done it eventually. At least this way I retained a modicum of dignity -- and I wouldn't have even done it had it not been for my friend Herman yelling at me and trying to talk some sense into me.
I haven't gone back to OKCupid since that one time earlier this week, but I think I should try going back (and hide AG's profile so I'm not tortured by it). There was a decent-looking guy on there who had even higher compatibility numbers with me than AG, and AG's were super high (92 and 94 percent for being a romantic/friend match, and this guy was 94 and 96 percent). He's not as cute as AG -- he's not an actor, after all -- and he's probably not as funny/witty either, but if he's easy to talk to and able to commit/love, then he's already got a leg up on AG. The fact that he's NOT an actor or an artist for a living is a good thing. But his photos showed him holding a guitar and a big-ass camera, so he has some artistic interests -- also a good thing. I just don't think I can go for a full-on left brain guy, although my sister thinks I should try it and see if it works better. If a guy posts a photo of himself playing golf, then I'm immediately less interested. Although R. was a big golf player, and it didn't bother me, so I guess I'm just being bitchy right now. Anyway, I should just message this guy and see if I get a response. I don't know what the heck to say though. I'm so not interested in dating anyone right now. And he'll probably think I'm too old anyway. Most guys my age are going to want a woman still of child-bearing age.
Ugh, I'm never going to find anyone. How did I get this so wrong? Next Tuesday's dinner with AG's sister will be interesting. My own sister is so funny -- she said, "Yeah, it's obvious his family knows that you weren't the one who dropped the ball. After all, you don't see me inviting AG to dinner." She keeps telling me that I should not talk about AG at all when I see his family. I'm inclined to agree, even if a part of me would love to know that he's a mess and that his whole family is furious with him. What good would it do, to know that he's miserable, or that his family thinks he fucked up? He brought this on himself and isn't doing anything to fix it, so yeah, I gotta let it go.
I'm just so bad at letting go. Hanging on -- if they gave out Nobel Prizes in that, I would so get one. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| In the lowest place right now. I don't know if I get can get through this. How did it all go so wrong?
So tired. Tired of my job, tired of being heartbroken, tired of feeling pain and sorrow all the time. Tired of crying all the time. Tired of loving someone without being loved in return. Steven's dead, can't return my love. R. didn't want it. And now AG. Also doesn't want it.
I am in the bottom of a dark pit. I just want to curl up in a ball and stop existing. I just want to disappear forever.
I felt this way last year, and then I got out of it. I became happier than I ever imagined. I didn't think it was possible to be that happy again. It was sheer joy. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I felt saved. Everything was bright with promise.
But I've been thrown back in the pit, and back into the dark, and I don't know if I can get myself out of it again.
I know what I need to do. Keep going to the gym. Keep writing. Talk with friends, talk with my therapist. Socialize and go out whenever possible. Become active on dating sites (hide AG's profile so I don't see it). Try to go on a date or two. But I came across this article about online dating today, and while it made me laugh, it also made me want to cry. It's too true. I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to be out there again. I want what I had with AG back.
So tired. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| Just created a profile on a new dating site, How About We. Didn't see anyone I was really interested in, but the very act of creating the profile gave me hope. Was feeling empowered after a whole day of feeling shitty and sad over the card that Actor Guy's mother sent me. Decided to check out my old profiles on two other sites, eHarmony and OkCupid. EHarmony costs money, so I was going to turn it on later this week (after a new credit card statement cycle starts). Then I went to OkCupid, which worried me a little because that's where Actor Guy and I met (via our mutual friend, who directed me to his profile).
I was right to be worried. He's back up and running -- his profile's been updated and he was on the site as recently as two hours ago. It's a huge, huge knife in the gut.
What was I expecting? That he would just recede into a monk-like existence? That, having been unable to commit to me, that he would conclude that he cannot commit to anyone, so why bother to date? Of course not! He's going to seek out female company, he's going to try to find someone who is better for him than me, whatever that may mean to him.
God, it's so clear that he's just moved on with his life and is not regretting what's happened with me at all. He's not thinking, Oh shit, I fucked things up, how can I get her back? Naw, he's trolling OkCupid trying to find a new girlfriend. Fucking A! What the hell am I doing pining over this asshole? Why the hell do I want this idiot back? Holy shit, why am I wasting so much energy crying over this bastard? God, why does this hurt so fucking much?!
Fuck him to all eternity. Seriously. I hope he runs off a cliff. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Just got home to find a card from Actor Guy's mom in my mailbox. She said she wanted to tell me how much joy she and AG's dad felt knowing me, and "how very much we hoped you would be in our family always." She said they were so sorry it wasn't meant to be, and how grateful they were for the times we spent together, and wished me all the best.
I'm so devastated. I'd hoped to have these wonderful people in my life for always too. How did it all go so wrong? There's nothing I could have done to prevent this, right? How did this happen? How did I wind up here? Why oh why couldn't this have turned out differently? I haven't just lost AG, whom I still love and miss despite my best efforts to bury it all. I've lost his family, whom I fell in love with as well.
What was the point of all this? Why get involved, fall in love with not just a man but his entire family, only to have it taken away?
I didn't think it could get any worse, but of course it could. It always can. I feel so, so broken. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i've been astoundingly civil in my interactions with women. there's a girl who owns four cats and a dog, and her dog and my dog are friends. so we hang out from time to time, while our dogs play. one time, when she was drunk, she fell running out of the bar we were at. and when i walked her to a cab, she held my hand. and that is the extent to our anything. she is some sort of famous writer and grows a lot of herbs in her little garden in front of her house.
there's two writer girls i occasionally meet with to talk writing. they edit and write content for their own webzine. they're in love with fonts, and producering, and organizing, and nerd up things with a fury and passion that i never quite understand. when we talk, it is as if we all find each other to be curiosities, visitors from other worlds that share similar features, like two legs, and opposable thumbs. convergent evolution.
there's another girl i occasionally hang out with who invites me to museum and gallery events, and fashion parties. she's the type of korean girl who takes pictures when she's in the hospital of the IV drip for sympathy and posts them on facebook. she seems to find it amusing to introduce me to her friends as her oddity friend who is a filmmaker and look at his hair and his dog. she bisouses me when we say hello, because once, we all lived in europe. she's become a sort of cultural planner, and i have always liked people who plan things for me.
in fact, when i do not drink, and have my dog with me, i am instantly a nicer quieter more interesting person. i have conversations with people about subjects. we laugh about the clever things that are said. i mull quietly about life issues. we watch dubu dubu things. the girls who meet me like this seem to like this version, without all the alcohol and dry humping and "SPRING BREAK" and "STEVE HOLT!" and occasionally i like this version of me too. but you know, i can feel myself watching my life from indoors, like the world passing by a window. that is this mode.
it's a thing though.
i've decided i have not been living with purpose, most of my life sure, but specifically this year. and it has made me sad and drifty, and also, when working, it makes me cease to care about anything lifelike other than boozing and sexing. i do a lot of the former and none of the latter.
so goals appeared in my head again. simple ones. i signed up for a marathon in december in hawaii. that would be my second ever, after the one i did in 2006. another lifetime ago. and i have an interesting idea for a short film. i will shoot that somehow this year. and write my feature script. then 2012 will have had three things that made it worthwhile. and everything else will just fall into place.
i missed safety from a deep guttural place today while walking dubu home. it was a passing random image and i have already forgotten what it was. but suddenly, i felt it all again, the reeling fear of realizing this person was no longer going to be in my life. i couldn't tell if i was feeling it for myself, or remembering feeling it when we broke up, or imagining how she might have felt it.
this new apartment is full of noise and smells. all downstairs neighbor things. rapping and singing and 9am saxophone playing. it's terrible and at the same time it reminds me that i am part of a city and a life and the world is out there. and having a roommate, i am less alone and thus i suppose i feel less lonely. i remember that murakami story about the train whistle at night. or my apartment in paris on avenue du maine and hearing the traffic late at night, or the schoolkids in the morning, playing outside. and the smells of food in particular, kimchi jjigae and meats roasting, the caramelizing and maillard reactions all seem to crawl in my window and find my nostrils. and i hear voices and people are sharing meals and foods and lifes and it kinda pains me and is good for me at the same time. like if broccoli were made of broken glass. but you eat it anyway, bc it's good for you. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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