May 8th, 2002


When All Else Fails, Get Him A Masturbating Monkey.

Any day that begins with In n’ Out burgers and a café mocha at Coffee Bean can’t be all that bad. Unless of course, a large man were to step out of nowhere and hit you over the head with a shovel, and then you woke up in a windowless room filled with bees. But still, at least you could say the beginning of your day was swell.

After the burger-eating and mocha-drinking, we ended up in Aah’s. Aah’s calls itself a gift and card store, which basically means it’s filled with the type of stupid crap you buy when you have absolutely no idea what to get for somebody’s birthday.

Things like plastic statues that blow bubbles out of their ass, penis-shaped pasta, or a beer mug with boobs. I guess you buy these gifts thinking the birthday boy or girl will open it in front of everybody, and that’s when the real fun begins. Next thing you know,they’ll all be laughing and slapping your back, telling you what a clever cad you are. But a day later, that $20 wind-up Masturbating Monkey you bought him will be in a trashcan.

A few weeks ago, our department engulfed a smaller department. Around 4pm, I headed over to the newly formed department mixer party at a sports bar in Hermosa Beach.

There was free food. Free pool. And open fricking bar. But just like Saturday, I didn’t drink. Instead I played a horrific game of pool in front of Brian Shaw of all people (For those outside of LA, Shaw’s a Laker & ex-Madonna boyfriend. Ophelia went on a date with him a few years back, but she insists she did not give up the booty.).

I have this rule about not drinking with coworkers during office hours for the following reason:

A) I get red fairly easy. Sometimes even after one fricking beer.
B) This redness is especially noticeable in daylight.
C) My white coworkers, who don’t understand the whole Asian alcohol-processing enzyme deficiency thing, will see my crimson complexion and assume that I went and got bombed…

WHITE COWORKER A: Did you see CaffeineGuy at the client presentation? The man was loaded! Probably did fifteen shots of sake or something.

WHITE COWORKER B: Well you know those oriental people do have a long history of alcoholism. That’s how they got their yellow skin, you know. From centuries of abusing the liver.

WHITE COWORKER A: It’s such a shame for them. So good at math, and yet so self-destructive… such a tragic people. Hey, I heard the Dave Matthews Band is playing tomorrow. I’m sooo psyched!

WHITE COWORKER B: Yeeeah boyyy!