May 14th, 2002


Bum Fights And Penis Gourds: This Weekend Was A Mother

Just found out one of my ad entries got Finalist in the Internet category of the One Show (For non-ad industry folk, the One Show is one of the three big advertising award shows along with the Clios and Cannes Lions). Fuck. Fuckity-Fuck.

Granted, Finalist is nothing to sneeze a booger at, but my art director and I thought for sure we’d get a trophy this time. We was robbed I tells ya. Nevertheless the One Show people made the fatal mistake of listing the names of the judges. And I sent my house ninja Koji out to exact some revenge via Wasabi Enema Gun.

I’m not a sore loser, however, and these are some of the fine sites that deserved to put metal on their shelves…

Nintendo Game Cube

Allied Works

Nike Freestyle

Lobo (It only kicks ass if you’ve got decent speakers)

Platinum Design

While I’m mentioning Web sites, here are a few that have nothing to do with the One Show…

Bum Fights - I’d pretty much assumed that civilization was on an irreversible plummet toward total annihilation after "Snowdogs" came out. So when I found out about a video where the producers paid homeless people five bucks to beat the crap out of each other or themselves, I just shrugged. At this rate, the Apocalypse should roll around just in time for the Crocodile Hunter movie.

VC Filmfest 2002 - This happens to be the biggest Asian-American film festival in LA and launches this Thursday. It’ll feature Rog’s movie "Better Luck Tomorrow," and Rog and Geney Boy’s short film "The Quest For Length." Click the link to buy advance tickets.

30% J.Crew Discount Coupon - Effective May 15-19 at any J.Crew store. I stopped wearing the stuff after I graduated college, but I’m still looking out for the rest of you kids.

My mom’s birthday was today. Yes, it’s always right around Mother’s Day. This year my mom insisted that we celebrate her birthday and Mother’s Day on Saturday instead of the traditional Sunday to avoid the crowds.

Back when I was younger and poorer, I’d just get her one big gift that covered both bases. After a while, I could tell that wasn’t cutting it…

CAFFEINEGUY: Happy Birthday and Mother’s Day Mom!

CAFFEINEGUY’S MOM: Just one gift? Again? Did I tell you that when you were born you weighed over nine pounds? I almost died! You nearly killed your poor mother before you even took your first breath.

CAFFEINEGUY: Oh alright, alright! [Handing over keys] Here, take my car.

CAFFEINEGUY’S MOM: Your mom almost split in half, and you’re just giving me your Yuppy A-hole Beemer? Hell no! Your mom wants a Bentley - and George Foreman Grill.

NOTE: My mom is nowhere near that bad. She’s a saint (At least when I had straight A’s. Kidding.) and the above conversation was purely fictional and for shits and giggles only.

Later that night my ass ended up at Karnak again. As you may recall, I was at Karnak last Saturday, but did not drink a single drop of al-key-hall. I drank this time. Drank like the Dickens, my friend. But even if I didn’t imbibe, I still would’ve had a good time just kicking back and watching T’s grocery predicament…

There’s a saying to warn single men about bringing along a woman to a place that’s filled with hot chicks: "Don’t bring your groceries to the supermarket." Or in England you say, "Don’t bring your own pint to the pub." And in New Guinea it’s "Een Toog Lug-Klung Tah-Muricha Toog" or "Don’t wear a penis gourd to the annual Free Penis Gourd Giveaway."

T not only brought along one girl he was interested in to Karnak. The dummy brought two. And each of those females brought along a gal pal. So there he was on the dance floor, dancing with four women, taking turns facing each one so as to not make anybody feel left out. It truly was a Kodak moment.

There were three possible outcomes. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which one actually happened:

1) Both girls realize what’s going on and become disgusted with T’s attempt to double-mack. In unison, they throw their drinks in his face and storm off in a huff. T wipes his face with a napkin and shrugs as curious onlookers stare. "Broads," he’ll say. "Can’t live with ‘em, can’t videotape them nude without written authorization." He then puts on a hat, throws his jacket over his shoulder, and strolls out as a Gershwin score plays in the background. The End.

2) Through the course of the evening, T gradually starts directing more of his attention to Girl A. Girl B obviously notices this and decides to leave. But whether it’s because she’s not serious or because she’s young enough to still be drawn to players, Girl B is still intrigued. Perhaps even more so. So despite the fact that T ends up hanging with Girl A for the rest of the evening, Girl B immediately returns his call the next day and agrees to see a movie with him later.

3) Both girls fight over T right there on the dancefloor, tearing at each other’s hair and tissue-thin clothing. T breaks up the fight and exclaims that they can both have his rock-hard bod. The ladies agree and an hour later they’re all having a threesome on a rotating bed. Exhausted, T falls asleep. But it turns out that he’s been drugged by the two girls, who’ve been in cahoots all along. The next day T wakes up in a bathtub filled with ice, and discovers that his left kidney’s been surgically removed.
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