May 16th, 2002



Biking - It was 85 degrees outside while we were eating lunch, so T and Aileen dragged my ass to go biking on the beach. A long time ago, a friend and I thought it’d be cool to go biking down the Loire Valley in France and check out famous chateaux along the way. It was cool for the first few miles, not so cool during the last 85 miles – especially when my friend got run off the road by a truck. Ever since then, I’ve had trouble equating biking with happiness, fun and unmitigated bliss. We ended up doing a two-hour roundtrip from Pacific Palisades to El Segundo. It was about maybe twenty miles, but to my aching bungholio it felt like the Bataan Death March. Whoever designed our rental bike seats was obviously a big fan of sodomy.

Cuba - While watching a baseball game at a bar, we saw Cuba Gooding Jr. stroll in with his posse. Two noteworthy things about the posse: They were all white, and they were all wearing Kanga hats. Cuba’s hat, in particular, reminded me of the one Alicia Keyes wore in a music video – and instantly I had a fantastically disturbing picture in my head of Alicia Keyes on a snow sled being pulled by a team of wisecracking huskies, while "Who Let The Dogs Out" played throughout the nightmarish vision.

Traffic School - A whiles back I got my first ever traffic ticket after cutting off a minivan carrying blind nuns, which caused it to swerve violently off the road and crash into a pet store filled with highly flammable Maltese puppies. To get the citation off my otherwise spotless record, I had to attend traffic school. Now in the past, I’ve heard you had to spend a whole day in one of those things, but a friend told me about You just go online and read sixteen pages about being a good driver, and take a short quiz after each page. It only took me an hour to finish the thing. The main reason is that the quizes were made for the average American, who’s apparently the intellectual equal of a cantaloupe … no, make that a styrofoam cup. Below are some actual questions, I shit you not…

1. When driving on an open highway, you get points for hitting a cow. True or False?
2. Driving over the posted speed limit is okay sometimes. True or False?
3. Your passengers don’t have to wear seatbelts if they’re over 18. True or False?

Masturbating Versus Having A Girlfriend - A bunch of us were hanging out at Relaxstation, drinking the most over-rated of Asian drinks, boba. We listened to T as the hypochondriac bastard described the panic attack he thought he had when he realized he was moving to Hong Kong at the end of this month. After his story, Ophelia offered some stories about her boyfriend whom I shall not name. Let me tell you, those stories were funny as fuck. Side-splitters. Knee-slappers. But then I realized that all the humor came out of the fact that they were really embarrassing details about the boyfriend. And this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of females volunteering excrutiatingly humiliating information at the expense of their boyfriends for the sake of entertainment. Especially when they’re around other gal pals.

This more or less proves my theory that women are not humans at all, but she-demons from the same Hell where alcohol, unprotected sex, and red meat came from. So damn enjoyable, but potentially life-threatening.