This was how my Friday evening began. The exposed buttocks, believe it or not, belong to a Harvard MBA named Devon, who works for a prestigious investment firm. The type of ass many Asian mothers try to get their daughters to marry. So how did we end up here?
Earlier that day, a bunch of us were calling around to see who was up for watching the World Cup conciliation match between Korea and Turkey. A friend of ours had found out that the game would be shown at the Staples Center for free. For the past few weeks, the World Cup had been one mind-blowing experience for Koreans everywhere, something we didn’t want to end. But on the last day, we wanted to be there to savor every last second. The problem was all the tickets sold out in about an hour. Luckily our hookups came through, and we got eighth row seats.
Like the last game, this one wouldn’t start ‘til around 4am. So what to do in the mean time? The initial plan was to hit Karnak, then grab a few bites at Hodori before heading over to Staples Center. But around dinner time, people felt that going to Karnak would wear our asses out before the game even began. So half of us decided to nap ‘til 2 am, and the other half chose to spend that time hanging out at Café Bleu.
I was one of those people hanging out at Café Bleu. During that time, Devon ended up playing a drinking game against a girl whom he’d met recently in his Korean language class. It wasn’t really a drinking game: the girl would challenge him to see who’d finish his or her beer first. The winner could then choose a dare for the loser to do. The girl lost every single time, but refused to do any of the Devon’s dares. This might’ve had to do with the fact that all the dares involved her having sex with Devon, his buddy Ray, or Jungle G.
Devon obviously didn’t care. He simply wanted an excuse to get loaded. And that he did magnificently. When Devon achieves this level of intoxication, the man transforms like the Hulk into the craziest mofo this side of Olympic Boulevard. A walking Korean episode of “Jackass.” So Lord knows what the reason was – and my guess is there was no reason – but suddenly Devon stood up and proceeded to unbuckle his belt.
I pulled out my camera, expecting it’d scare him into putting his pants back on. But methinks this actually spurred the freaky bastard on. Next thing you know, the boy dropped trow. At first I thought it was only half of his ass; but later on my computer, I realized I’d captured the full spread in all its horrific glory. That’s the problem with high-resolution digital cameras. The massive amount of detail can become a hideous curse. Because not only did I get his entire hindquarters, but to my horror I could’ve sworn I saw butt hairs and – most unholy of unholies - dingleberries. I immediately shrank the image, just moments before I gouged my own eyes out.
After that, the other people started to show up, not realizing how fortunate they were … that is until I post the above picture on Ofoto.com.
One of Chuck’s friends showed up with her best friend from high school. Soon after they joined us at our table, the following conversation occurred …
GUY: I’m not sure you’re aware of this, but you’re smoking hot.
GIRL: Uh… thank you.
GUY: No, THANK you.
At around 3am, we headed over to Staples Center. I’d become used to seeing lots of Korean people covered in red. But walking through the court entrance, into the stadium, blew me away. I was like Russell Crowe in “Gladiator” when he sees the roaring spectacle inside the Coliseum for the first time. They’d sold over 20,000 seats for this game. From ceiling to floor, the Staples Center was all awash in red like a single giant organism.
The last time I saw anything remotely like this was the Rose Bowl in 2000, when Stanford played Wisconsin. Both school colors were red, so you saw all 100,000 fans in the same color. But this was different. This time we were in an enclosed environment, so the undulating sea of crimson was all-encompassing.
The game itself was hectic, but Turkey won. Even then, I’d never seen so many happy people. Fourth place was a blessing. Being Korean the past few weeks was a blessing. Me, I was sorry to see the party end; but sleep would be a blessing too. Because after all that World Cup drama, and dingleberry trauma, I was one tired bloke. And at 8am, this tired bloke finally went to sleep.
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