July 10th, 2002


My Sleep Test

Since I’m in between major projects, I’ve had a lot free time on my hands. So when someone sent me the url for this ridiculous article that claims you can analyze your relationship based on how you and your woman sleep together, I spent the past half-hour writing my own enlightened commentary…

According to the article, this is the most common sleeping position during the first few years of marriage. I think this’d be my favorite if my arm didn’t end up falling asleep from being stuck under my big head in an awkward position. Also, after a while it can get too hot and sweaty from the prolonged close contact, especially when you’re nekked.

One thing for you ladies to look out for is the close distance between the guy’s one-eyed friend and your nether regions. Granted, this intimate proximity is part of the Spoon’s magic; but when a man enters the REM cycle of sleep, he tends to pop wood. If he’s sleeping right against the girl, like the dude in the above picture, there’s a good chance she may get an interesting wakeup call.

Good Lord, who the fuck sleeps like this? If there actually are couples out there who do, I’m guessing you’re the type who cannot stand to spend even 4.8943 seconds away from each other’s loving caress. Sick bastards. "Saturday Night Live" did this spoof commercial about such couples. It advertised these two toilets that are built to face each other, so that you can lovingly gaze into the eyes of your Honeycakes as the both of you grunt one out.

Like the Spoon, this position is pretty common. Enough so that the term "coyote ugly" was inspired by it. The term came from guys who woke up the morning after a drunken one-night stand to find themselves in the Sweetheart’s Cradle with a hideous she-beast. They’d then be forced to chew off their own arm to escape. For you kung-fu movie buffs, that’s what how the One-Armed Boxer in "Master of the Flying Guillotine" got that way.

I like this position, up until either my arm falls asleep or she starts drooling on me. And, once again, there’s the whole hot and sweaty issue. Can’t help it, my girlfriend’s a fricking human furnace.

When people ask me why I don’t get a king-sized bed, I reply that it doesn’t matter how big my bed is. Because the guy often gets herded to the very edge of his mattress by the woman to the point where he’s clinging for dear life. I mean look at all that valuable bed space behind the chick. All gone to waste.

Sometimes it’s just an issue of heat. Females tend to get cold much easier than guys, on account of their internally focused blood circulation … and the fact that guys are just physically superior (Sooo kidding about that one. Maybe.) If her manfred is too cheap to turn the heater on, the girl is forced to use him as a source of warmth. Perhaps as revenge, she can put on a strap-on and give him a wake-up call of his own.

BUTTOCK HUG (Is it me, or do some of these sound like Kama Sutra positions?)
This is for couples who’ve been with each other long enough to not be all clingy, but still desire some physical contact during sleepy time. And what better way than by mutually touching ass cheeks? I guess the only drawback here is if by some disastrous coincidence, you both farted at the same time. The simultaneous collision of gastrointestinal forces would have you and your loved one flying right out of bed. BOOO-yah!

The article says this is for couples who are comfortable enough with their relationship to get a good night’s rest without having to worry about getting cuddly to confirm your feelings for each other. Some of you may think this is how couples sleep when they’re pissed at each other. But if that were the case, you wouldn’t see the guy up there, because his busted ass would be sleeping on the couch.

This position is common among couples where the guy often dreams he is humping farm animals.