August 15th, 2002


The Silver Lining Dates Strippers.

In regards to dark clouds, sometimes the silver lining doesn’t show up ‘til long after the storm is over. Like over a year. Then all of a sudden the silver lining leaves you a voicemail at the office and lets you know that the insurance company is mailing you a check with really beautiful numbers on it.

The dark cloud, in this case, was when I smashed the A-hole Mobile into an SUV just two weeks after I drove it off the lot. Fortunately the damage looked much worse than it actually was; and because the accident wasn’t my fault, my driving record stayed perfect. My insurance rate even got lowered. Go figure.

I did tweak my neck, however, and so it was my patriotic duty as an American to get a lawyer. Sometimes it seems as if half my friends are attorneys, but unless I was planning to takeover a corporation, those bastards were useless. However EK did refer me to his buddy Tom Fox.

Now how a guy like EK ended up having a character like Tom Fox as a good friend is a mystery to me. On the legal spectrum of prestige, they’re polar opposites. EK just made partner at a distinguished Century City law firm, and Tom’s office has fake wood paneling and a pleather couch. All it was missing was a painting of dogs playing poker.

I’d never used a lawyer before, and I was hesitant about using one now. One reason was because I felt it was the Tom Foxes of the world who were responsible for the existence of idiotic lawsuits. The most recent being that dumbshit who sued the fast food companies for making him fat. But with the way the universe operates now, I would’ve felt like an even bigger dumbshit if I didn’t at least consult a lawyer. Even if the lawyer didn’t have real leather on his furniture.

As it turned out, a guy like Tom was perfect for a case like mine. For one thing, he hooked me up with several months of free chiropractic treatments. I’ve always been skeptical about the necessity of the chiropractic profession (It’s basically a guy in a white lab coat popping your neck and spine). But the twice-a-week massages made it worthwhile.

One notable thing about Tom: He had a thing for strippers. Lord knows we all do, but Tom dated them by the truckload. So not surprisingly, he’s currently engaged to one. I was in his office when I first saw her. Not in person, but on his monitor.

Dude had a naked picture of his fiance as wallpaper.

I don’t know how she fit on a 17" screen. Her breasts were huge enough to be their own congressional district. And when I looked to my left, I saw her topless wall calendar as well. In all fairness, I eventually did meet her in person at EK’s wedding back in June, and she seemed to be a nice girl. A nice girl with two small planets surgically attached to her chest.

Even for me, that’s too much of a good thing, but if that’s what makes Tom Fox happy, then good for him. Because the guy just helped pay for my Hawaii trip.