September 23rd, 2002


Naming Your Child "Goat Molesting Freak"

Since I’m presenting campaigns at the end of this week, the absolute last thing I should be doing right now is writing this.

EK and Daisy are expecting their first baby in March. Their wedding was this past June, so that makes the kid a Honeymoon Baby, which is pretty rare nowadays. A lot of couples wait years after marriage before having a baby. Many ease into parenthood by getting a dog first. And that’s misleading. Because it only takes a few days to housetrain a puppy.

Everybody wanted to meet up in K-town, but because Daisy’s pregs, we had to find a smoke-free joint. It’s easier to find a smoke-free place in Marlboro Country. And when we did find a place, it was completely empty.

Cigarettes aren’t the only things an expectant mother’s supposed to stay away from. There’s also alcohol, caffeine and sushi. Funny, since those very three things are as essential to my survival as oxygen.

They’ll be finding out their baby’s gender in a couple of weeks. In the mean time, they’ve been getting dozens of name suggestions from everybody. A few had emerged as top contenders, though…

EK: I really like Kobe. For a boy or a girl’s name.

ME: A girl? Are you out of your fucking mind?

EK: What? I think Kobe would make a great name for a girl.

ME: Yes, if she can put her ankles behind her head. Dude, you’ve never heard of Kobe Tai?

EK: Yeah, I’ve heard of her. The porn star, right?

ME: Any Asian parent who names his daughter Kobe should be reported to social services.

I’m telling you it’s critical that you choose your child’s name carefully. Just as naming your daughter Kobe can doom her to a career in porn, naming your son "Jeeves" will turn him into a man servant. "Damien" means he’ll become the Anti-Christ. And "Sato" will always grow up to be the bad guy in a Yakuza movie.

My technique for naming a baby is this: You give him or her a normal first name, like Dave, Trent or Susan. This spares them from a traumatic childhood, and you reduce the likelihood of them growing up to be serial killers or nuns. If you insist on giving them a "different" name like Eugene, Prudence or Ichabod, then you might as well name them Cunnilingus or Goat Molesting Freak, because it’ll do about the same level of self-esteem damage.

Instead, save your creativity for the middle. From college onward is when it becomes more cool to have a unique moniker, and that’s where the middle name comes in. I’ve met a few people with interesting names, like Celestine, Zeus or Twilight only to find out later that those were their middle names, and their actual names were Bob or Sally.

Or you can save yourself all this trouble and not have any kids at all. More fun to name dogs anyway.