November 1st, 2002


The Way To A Man's Heart Is Through ...His Sphincter?

We went to this random event at Palm Tree Wednesday. Random because I don’t know what else to call something that featured stand-up comics, a date auction, and dancing to C & C Music Factory. Has VH-1 ever done a “Behind The Music” episode on C &C Music Factory? Those guys seemed unstoppable and then they simply vanished into thin air like Crystal Pepsi. My guess is they’re performing at some Indian reservation casino with Bel Biv Devoe.

There were three stand-up comics, and one of them was fucking funny. I mean it. Bobby Lee: easily the funniest Korean-American stand-up out there - and I’ve seen around five. He’s a cast member on “Mad TV.” (But I wouldn’t know since watching television on a Saturday night makes me feel semi-suicidal.) Nevertheless it wouldn’t be as good as seeing him live and uncensored. The boy is truly disturbed, which probably comes from his possessing the exact size and physique as those chubby red Buddha statues they sell at Chinatown souvenir stores…

So a few of us were hanging out with our cocktails, having a chat; and I mentioned how earlier that week, a girl had asked me the following question:

“Would you enjoy it if someone stuck her finger up your ass?”

There are several ways one can respond to this:

The Empirical Response: “Good question. Perhaps you can stick your finger up my ass, and we’ll discover the truth together.”

The Homophobic Response: “What’re you trying to say? That someone like me would enjoy it thoroughly? Just to prove you wrong I’m going to go out there and beat up a homosexual person.”

The Just Response: “Sure I’ll let you stick your finger up my ass … Just after I get to stick something up yours.”

The Christian Response: “Jesus Christ! Hellll no!"

But that wasn’t the disturbing part. The disturbing part was she claimed she had read about it in Glamour magazine. I didn’t believe her, so she brought the magazine over and pointed to an article titled something like “10 Sex Secrets About Men You Should Know.” It’s a headline that seemingly shows up every month on half the women’s magazines out there. Seemed harmless.

But there it was, Sex Secret #7: “He actually likes it when you stick your finger up his butt.” It was between Sex Secret #6: “He actually doesn’t want to have a threesome with you and your hot friend,” and Sex Secret #8: “He actually doesn’t want you to just focus on his penis.” Glamour magazine is the Devil.

I read further. This was some diabolical shit. Apparently, one of the magazine editors went to a popular bar and just asked random guys what their secret sex fantasies were. And according to her, almost every single one of them admitted that they wanted their girlfriend/wife/concubine to stick a well-lubed finger up the ol' Hershey Highway. When I read that the bar was located in New York, that clarified things a bit, since New Yorkers tend to be sick, perverted bastards. Now I have to think twice before shaking hands with my NYC friends.

I say it once again, Glamour magazine is the Devil. I guarantee if I did further research, I’d discover that they’d also be instructing their girl minions that most men would prefer to save themselves for their wedding night; that we secretly wish they can gain a lot of weight so that we can use them as furniture; and that we crave the sensation of sharp, grinding teeth on our testicles.

Now, although I personally wouldn’t condone having my girlfriend sticking her hard, cold finger up my chocolate starfish, I can understand why women would think other guys might enjoy some brown love. After all, that’s where the highly sensitive prostate gland is located. True … but then again, so is poo. Ca-ca. Doo-doo. Maird. Ddohng. It's just unsanitary and wrong.

Now the ladies may complain, “There goes another double standard-imposing mother fucker. Why is anal action acceptable only when the woman is on the receiving end?”

And my enlightened answer to you is this: Because your shit don’t stink.

Now excuse me while I cover my ears and loudly sing the national anthem as you try to convince me otherwise.