January 22nd, 2003


The Asian Vagina Network

Met up with everybody at Cafe Bleu last Friday after the Lakers-Rockets game. As you NBA fans know, neither of the things I wanted to happen, happened. Yao didn’t score 30 points, and the Lakers – thanks to the Steve Francis’ biggest fans, the refs – didn’t win.

While everybody else was busy drinking and secretly plotting to kill me, I was conversing with T, Steve and an IT salesman about the whole Yao/Shaq brouhaha.

For those of you who haven’t heard by now, Shaq told a reporter to tell Yao, “Ching-chong-ding-dong-ah-so.” Not that many people gave a shit about it. ESPN kind of gave a shit, but only because they figured it’d be good for the game’s ratings. Hell, even Yao didn’t really give a shit, because in Chinese, “Ching-chong-ding-dong-ah-so” roughly translates to “The small of your back haunts my fragrant dreams.”

My insignificant take on the matter is that while Shaq didn’t mean to be racist, he was a fucking idiot in thinking his statement was harmless. Because the last thing we need is more ignorant dumbasses out there believing this type of shit is socially acceptable.

Let’s face it: Asian people are one of the few punching bags left in the U.S. One of the main reasons is because we’re less than ten percent of the population. Another is because a lot of us are short, nearsighted and love trance music. The other is because we’re not a very outspoken bunch. We're polite. Kinda docile actually. Don’t want to stir up any controversy or any other kind of trouble that might interfere with our attempts to get an A+ in Calculus, climb the corporate ladder, and make a shitload of money.

I honestly don’t see the day when enough Asian people will create a big enough shitstorm that the other ethnic groups go, “Uh-oh, looks like we’ve pissed off the Orientals. Run you fools!” At least not for another ten years or so, when the taller, angrier Asian kids who aren’t that good at math come of age. BUT ‘til then, there is a quicker solution …

The world is ruled by white guys. And by now, it’s quite obvious that what white guys love more than anything else - even more than the Dave Matthews Band, group masturbation, or saying “bro” – is Asian chicks. And as Shakespeare eloquently put it, “She who owns the pussy, owns the man.” So the idea I proposed to T and Steve was [drumroll] the Asian Vagina Network.

The Asian Vagina Network would be a global association of Asian women who are currently married to, dating, or even just having meaningless sex with white guys. And not just rich, powerful white guys like Rupert Murdoch, but as many of them as possible, down to the mullet-wearing beef jerky salesman.

How it would work is this: Whenever there’s some important agenda we Asian people need to get accomplished, like preferential parking at malls, elevating ping-pong to a major American sport, or permanently banning "Me so horny" as a pick-up line, we can simply have the Asian Vagina Network deny white guys any sex until it happens. Millions of Caucasians around the world denied punani? They’d cave within hours. Soon no Asian person will have to waste precious time trying to find a parking spot close to their favorite Banana Republic location. I’m telling you this will work.

Take, for instance, the whole Yao-Shaq incident. Perhaps the most outspoken critic against Shaq was ESPN’s Bill Walton, both on the air and on the Web (Click here). And throughout the season he’s also openly gushed about Yao to the point where one might think there’s a forbidden yearning going on. Well not coincidentally, Bill Walton’s current wife is Asian - and the current frontrunner for the Asian Vagina Network president position.

And this doesn't have to be yet another of those ideas Caffeineguy came up with after three Grey Goose on the rocks. Between Steve and T, they have about half the world’s Asian female population on their email lists. With their organizational expertise and unlimited perkiness, they could make the Asian Vagina Network a reality. But not me, I’m too busy trying to assimilate, bro.