February 7th, 2003


Remembering A Completely Hairless Man.

The Bush administration just announced this morning that we’re going into orange alert, which is just below red alert (“Klingons off the starboard bow!”) and above yellow alert (“Captain Kirk has lost his hair gel!”). According to Ashcroft, terrorists would most likely seek the following targets:

Airports – LAX is .75 miles from my office.
Oil Refineries – Exxon’s is .25 miles from my office.
Power Plants - .5 miles from my office.
The LA Lakers – Practice facility’s 1 block from my office.

Within a one-mile radius you’ll also find an Air Force satellite operations base, a Sizzler, and pretty much every major weapons contractor such as TRW, Raytheon, and Boeing.

Our ad agency is at the epicenter of terrorist hatred, which is why I’m convinced that Chuck has a small atom bomb strapped to his body. Dude has been walking funny for two days now. He claims it’s his back. But if you tore off his shirt, I wouldn’t be surprised if you found some plutonium, a detonator, and a push-up bra.


Chuck showed me some amazing footage from Afghanistan. It was taken from an AC-130 gunship while it was just absolutely unloading on an enemy base. Not a very efficient attack, though. In one sequence, they used about five bombs trying to hit a single guy. It probably cost them $10 million to disintegrate a dozen people, three trucks and a goat. Click here to view (Remember to press the Play button).


Came across Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” video the other day and saw a blast from the recent past. If you remember at all, last year I cast this guy who was born completely hairless. Interesting fellow. Posed for some Mapplethorpe photos, and then spent a decade making a living as Constance, the cross-dressing cage dancer. After seeing him in that video, my guess is that he must’ve been a really good dancer, because the man clearly wasn’t hired for his beauty. The guy looks terrifying with a wig and makeup, like Christina in that “Lady Marmalade” video.


The Discovery Channel came by the office yesterday to shoot some footage for a program they’re developing about the mating and grooming habits of advertising execs. Then we went and chased down a wildebeest in the Media department.

Actually it’s going to be about the launch of three SUVs: the Lexus GX, the Volvo XC-90 and the Infiniti FX45. What this has to do with the Discovery Channel is beyond me. I used to be a huge fan of that channel back when it was just about lions and tigers and chimps. But then some confused person went and added shows about autopsies and monster trucks. The channel’s trying to be something it’s not, not realizing that I loved her all along for who she really was.

You know what the disturbing thing is? I’m digging the Infiniti FX45. Fell in love with it at the LA Auto Show. It’s bad enough that the FX45 is an SUV - which I told myself to never drive – but it’s Rog’s favorite model too. You’ve got to understand that I’ve spent the past couple of years ridiculing his taste in automobiles. The dude loves station wagons. Sharing Rog’s car preferences is the equivalent of having a thing for fat chicks. Has my sense of automotive aesthetics gone obsolete? Tell me this is an attractive car.


I know I’ve thanked you already. But thanks again for the emails.