February 11th, 2003


Lying Beside You Here In The Dark...

In the end I decided to go with bribery.

My offer was this: If my mom let the baby sister have a puppy, I’d send her to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. If my mom was vacillating before, she was now all on board the Puppy Train. She even suggested getting not one, but two dogs, and breeding them as a side business. Man, I had no idea the woman who gave birth to me was such a sucker for bribes. Would've made high school a little easier...

MOM: Eddie-yah, a "B+" in Geometry???

ME (sliding stuffed envelope across table): $1500 says it's an "A-."

MOM (opening envelope): This is Monopoly money.

ME: There's enough there to buy a hotel on Boardwalk, baby.

The thing is I was originally planning to give her the Hawaii vacation anyway, as a gift of gratitude. Except for my baby sister, she’s sweated and slogged through all this more than anybody. So the puppy-for-Hawaii deal struck me as kind of deceptive. Temporarily.

I’m an “Ends-Justify-The-Means” kind of guy, you see. I’m also a “Socks-Should-Match-The-Shoes-Not-The-Pants” kind of guy, but that’s another story my friend.


Not a big fan of “American Idol”, but I did catch a few bits of tonight’s episode, and I was rewarded. Scrawny white dude has the body mass of a croissant, yet he was able to belt out Journey’s “Open Arms,” perhaps the greatest love ballad of all time.

My junior year of college, I sang that song to the kitchen lady in our dorm cafeteria as three hundred people covered their ears in horror. I did it on a dare, as our kitchen lady was quite ornery and built like a grizzly bear. She could’ve beaten me to death right there with her ladle; but instead she, and my involuntary audience, allowed me to live to finish the song, and I won my t-shirt. To this day, that song has a special place in my chest cavity, which is why I’m now rooting for scrawny white dude. Go scrawny white dude, Go!


If you’ve been looking into cutting down on your red meat intake but haven’t found the proper motivation, simply read this highly descriptive article that Rog forwarded to me. Click here to find out what lives on the other side of your anus.

Speaking of Rog and colons, “Better Luck Tomorrow” finally has a set release date: April 4.