February 14th, 2003


Living In Sin.

It’s not official, but I finally accepted the fact that my girlfriend’s been living with me. For several months now, that sneaky devil. This entry is where I sit down and assess a few of the Pros and Cons.


Can’t fart really loud.
All the Neanderthal crap I do in private I have no problems doing in front of her. This includes belching, picking my nose - and her nose, doing the Running Man in my underwear, etc. However, I still refuse to fart in front of her. She’s even dared me a few times, and I still can’t do it - not even a peep. Stage fright or something. Don’t get me wrong: I do pass gas around her, but silently like an autumn breeze.

Lack of “me” time.
I don’t understand why girls get all huffy whenever their boyfriend explains that he occasionally “needs his space.” Even when we’re with you 99% of the time, women still want the other 1% too. I guess it’s because chicks crave attention about as much as guys crave sex, if not more. But please realize that as much as we cherish your presence, there are times when a man needs the peace and self-reflection that comes with being alone. Sure, this self-reflecting is often facilitated with the presence of male buddies and large quantities of alcohol. But who are you to judge our methods, you clingy bastards?

She takes up a bit of space.
For such small creatures, women need a lot of shit. Never mind all the clothes and spiked heels. There are several dozen bottles of Japanese bathroom stuff, makeup, and what I can only describe as hair thingies. Even my TiVo isn’t spared. She uses it to record a shitload of “Law & Order” episodes. It seemed harmless at first, since I thought it was only one show. Wrong. Did you know there’s like thirty different versions of “Law & Order?” There’s “Law & Order.” There’s “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” There’s “Law & Order: Parking Violations.” And on and on. Plus, TNT airs “Law & Order” reruns all day. The result is when I get home and check my TiVo to watch a recorded episode of “Wild On…,” I find 834 “Law & Orders” instead.

Can’t bring home classy hookers.
I think this one pretty much speaks for itself.

Social apathy.
You lose the motivation to go out and fall into the same comfortable “Blockbuster night” rut that those boring married people fall into. Or worse, your married friends start to view you as one of them. Sometimes you’re even too lazy to even go to Blockbuster. Your socially lazy ass is content with whatever’s on cable, even network television.


Social apathy.
Sometimes being content isn’t a bad thing. The reason why you lose the motivation to go out is that you’re already comfortable and happy. So why bother with the jam-packed crowds and the $10 vodkas - all in the name of trying to enjoy yourself, when you and the girl are perfectly happy sipping a nice cold Guinness on the couch while watching some HBO documentary about ultimate fighting?

Close proximity of hot sex.
This is more than feeling like a kid in a candy store, this is actually living inside the candy store. I guess for most guys this is the single most important benefit of living with your girlfriend … on account of us being pigs. This also entitles you to label your single pals as chronic masturbators, and then laugh at them and their thick wrists. And this is the one time in your penis’ tumultuous life when he realizes that there is a benevolent God. So why do men even bother getting married? The tax breaks, and the wife swapping.

She is a domestic goddess.
At the risk of sounding politically incorrect (like I’ve ever given that any consideration): She cooks and cleans. There are times when I come home from the office, worn and weary, and find dinner waiting for me, my laundry done, and my living room vacuumed. All that’s missing is me smoking a pipe in a lounge chair while she brings me my martini. She really takes good care of me. Sexist, chauvinist, Fascist, whatever - I can’t tell you how bloody awesome this truly is. The fancy new towels and sheets are a bonus too.

You’re never alone.
I think this one pretty much speaks for itself.

Was about to mention the sex again.
You know how when anyone makes a list that includes sex, they think it’s the funniest thing to mention sex more than once on said list? (For instance: Sex, books, ponies, sex hahaha, burritos, robots, and did I mention … sex?) Well I’m not going to do that here.


And there you have it. I do have some more Pros and Cons; but they’re more of the private, profound and potentially incriminating variety and Lord knows I don’t know any of you from Jezebel.