March 19th, 2003


You Are All Our Bitches.

Well it’s begun.

Not quite the “shock and awe” we were promised. More like sporadic anti-aircraft fire followed by hours of stirring footage of some rooftops and a random intersection in Baghdad. Then a heavily powdered Bush gave a speech, and either his head is getting bigger or dude's neck is shrinking. This was followed by Saddam, or one his dozen look-alikes, giving a rambling speech which essentially said, "You fuckers missed." CNN needs a new translator; even a loon like Saddam wouldn't say “…the losers will lose…”

And this will all be over before the second round of March Madness, right before Stanford destroys Connecticut.

C’mon, the last time we went to war with Iraq, all the so-called experts were out there predicting that it would be a bloody, costly conflict that would last possibly months – if not years – and kill thousands of American soldiers. Then the ‘war’ ended in about a week, if that, with Iraqi soldiers surrendering themselves to news cameramen.

This time around, the Iraq army is well aware of the severe asskicking they were dealt a dozen years ago. Do you really think they’ll actually put up a fight this time? I highly doubt it.

Sure Saddam might use some chemical weapons, but even in the highly unlikely event that happens, our military is prepared for it and the odds of it killing a lot of soldiers is minimal. In fact Bush will probably welcome this as an opportunity to vindicate himself for attacking Iraq. “See???” he’ll say while jumping up and down while on the phone with France and Germany. “I told ya’ll that bitch was crazy!”

The tragic part of this black comedy is that innocent people will die. But not the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens that some people have been hyping. It’s all about PR nowadays, and heavy civilian casualties never look good on CNN.


Don’t get me wrong, war is never a pleasant thing. But as far as armed conflicts go, this is less of a war and more of a full-scale mugging.

More attention-grabbing for me are the motivations behind this forcible occupation.

Of course you’ve all heard the “It’s all about oil” bit. I’ve even heard theories about how the Carlyle Group – which is run by several ex-world leaders and Republican powerhouses, like Bush Sr. – has been investing heavily in the defense industry and stand to make billions. All that aside, the most disturbing – and fascinating – aspect of all this is the new foreign policy behind this war on Iraq.

Basically, and quite officially, the United States has given a big “fuck you” to the United Nations – the very organization it created – and to global cooperation in general.

Fuck diplomacy. From now on, we will do whatever the hell we want, wherever the hell we want, because goddammit we’re the most powerful nation in the history of the entire world – stronger and richer than all you pussies put together - and you chumps are going to sit there and take it like the little bitches you are.

And not only will we preemptively and unilaterally strike any sovereign power that we believe to be a threat to our national well-being; but we will use our position as the world’s only superpower to spread “American values and beliefs” to the rest of the Earth. It's for your own good, and it's not like we need your permission anymore - this is our world now.

Welcome to the New American Century, boys and girls. They even have their own Web site.

Think I’m making this shit up? If you haven’t seen the PBS Frontline special “The War Behind Closed Doors,” you should. You can also view it on its equally informative site by clicking here.

And while you’re at it, read this very well-written essay by “Newsweek” columnist Fareed Zakaria. Click here. A bit long, but you need to be better informed about why the rest of the world is really, really going to hate and fear us Americans over the next few years, perhaps decades.

Don’t blame me. I voted for Gore.