May 20th, 2003


The Ways Men Pee.

So the bad news is I didn’t make finalist for the Diarist Awards. But the good news is that I won a Clio, which is probably the one advertising trophy that non-advertising people might actually recognize. Egotistically speaking, the two events canceled each other out, which left me feeling empty yet full. The full part was my bladder (My livejournal name is based on a diuretic after all.).

While urinating, I couldn’t help but notice that the old man next to me wasn’t peeing in the usual manner. No, I wasn’t checking out his pant weasel – we’ve got one of those anti-penis-comparison partitions. The man was leaning forward, resting his head on his forearm against the wall, as if he barely had the strength to tinkle, let alone do the kidney shake.

This got me thinking about how different guys have different ways of taking a slash…

The Two-Handed Pee – 90% of the male population use this technique to drain the main vein. Whether you’re gay or straight, boxer or briefs, Christian or Muslim, paper or plastic – most men have this one thing in common.

The One-Handed Pee – Some guys are confident enough in their aiming abilities to only use one arm. This leaves the other limb free to pursue other activities. Usually it’s just hanging limp at your side, or you might find it more comfortable to rest your hand on your hip, as if you were watering your lawn. But viewed from the wrong angle, this pose risks being perceived as haughty, as if you were pretending to be Lord of the Men’s Room or Duke of the John. Occasionally you might brace it against the wall, like a buttress, because your penis is so darn heavy that you just might tip over if you’re not careful. Or, like the guy next to me this afternoon, maybe you can use it to rest your weary head and let the weight of the world just slide right off your shoulders and out your pee hole.

The “Look Ma, No-Hands” Pee – Every once in a blue moon, you’ll come across a man who refuses to use any of his hands at all dammit. He confidently places them at his hips like some urinating super hero, dishing out a warm stream of yellow justice.

The “Look Ma, No-Pants” Pee – Usually it’s the little kids that just yank the pants all the way down to their ankles and let it fly with no regard for shame or dignity. Unfortunately, homeless winos share the same outlook, which is why you normally won’t witness this type of urinating anywhere outside of bus stations or alleys behind places selling Night Train or Thunderbird.

The “Expectorate Before You Micturate” Pee – These are the guys who lean over and spit into the urinal right before they take a leak. You ladies might be surprised to know that a significant number of males do it. It all stems from their acute hatred of excess bodily fluids, which is why they want to expel as much as possible. This goes for semen too – gotta clear it all out of there so we can make room for more. As I write this, male scientists are trying to find a way to alter our DNA so that we can shoot tears out of our eyes bypassing all that girly weeping.

The “Mangina” Pee – I once met a woman who told me that she made her fiancé promise her only one thing: that he’d always pee sitting down. He may very well be the only guy in the entire world who tinkles in this manner, but I found this morally outrageous enough to add to the list. Sure, women might find our occasional inability to aim or put the seat back down mildly annoying. But if God wanted man to urinate in the seated position, he would’ve given us vaginas.

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