June 29th, 2003


Why Guys May Not Fare Well In Really Cold Airports.


Remember those x-ray glasses they sold in the back of comic books? The ones that promised the wearer would be able to see through women’s clothing, thereby losing his virginity? Well the next best thing might be coming to an airport near you.

They’re called backscatter machines, which bounce x-rays off the skin, producing a black-and-white image like the one above. The woman in the scan is wearing a blazer and a skirt - and why the bastards picked some Transportation Security Administration employee instead of someone I’d actually want to see naked once again proves the Republicans are idiots.

The government is thinking of installing these machines at airports around the country to detect plastic weapons and explosives, which pass unnoticed through metal detectors. I can already see the long line of giddy pervs waiting to apply for the checkpoint jobs (I’ve been looking on Hotjobs.). If the government was smart, they could probably make them pay to work there, perhaps charging them via the lapdance method, like $60 for three songs plus a two-drink minimum. Cut the deficit in half in no time.

Now since 9/11, Americans have been willing to give up certain freedoms and even their own lives based on this vague understanding that it’s all to help protect us from 'evil doers.' But people may draw the line on a device that shows the exact dimensions of their gigantic asses, tiny pee-pees and droopy titters.

AIRPORT SECURITY #1: That man has a grenade between his legs.

AIRPORT SECURITY #2: That’s no grenade … dear God, that’s a third testicle!

ME: Everybody calm down. The way I see it, it’s a ‘buy two – get one free’ gift from Mother Nature. I named it Lloyd.

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