July 8th, 2003

punch

Urinating Women, And The Mimes Who Hate Them.

Funny story:

So we’re at this club recently and everybody gets knocked on their collective asses by the evil Archduke Whiskey von Drunkington. Next thing you know, my Pottery Barn-loving friend Trixie runs (or staggers) up to me and asks, “Can you protect me?”

“Why?” I asked.

“I punched this guy in the face,” she said.

“Why’d you punch’im?”

“Because he wouldn’t let me out of the bathroom.”

I pictured a guy standing at the doorway, blocking Trixie by mirroring her every move as if he was pretending to be her reflection. Obviously this man could only be a mime. Even with my meager Slouching Tiger, Itchy Dragon fighting skills, I can handle mimes.

“Sure, I’ll protect you.”

Later Trixie’s friend YamYam walked over and told me what had happened.

Trixie and YamYam had gone to the ladies room to empty their tiny bladders. But the line was very long, because females have a very elaborate pre-urination ritual that involves incantations and sacrificing chickens. So Trixie and YamYam did a very bad thing and invaded the men’s room.

Once inside, they headed over to the only stall in the place, crowded inside, and closed the door. When they were done, however, they discovered to their dismay that they couldn’t get out. They were trapped.

Here’s the thing: Trixie and YamYam had assumed they were locked inside, because they kept pushing the door and it wouldn’t budge. Push, push, push. Nothing. In their blissfully intoxicated state, it never occurred to them that they should try pulling the door open instead.

The interesting conclusion Trixie then came to was that there must be a guy on the other side of the door, who was obviously annoyed that girls were peeing in HIS toilet and decided to punish them by holding the door shut. So Trixie and YamYam banged on the door, calling out for help, and I would’ve paid a million bucks to have seen this with my very own eyes. But no one would come to distressed damsels’ aid.

Trixie realized what she had to do to escape: she got down on her hands and knees and, despite YamYam’s warning that “Boys miss,” crawled out from underneath the stall wall.

Just then YamYam figured out the whole pull thing and got out of the stall. At that point she saw a guy walk into the bathroom and stand next to the stall just as Trixie got up. Wrong place, wrong time.

Trixie immediately assumed that he was the asshole who’d maliciously trapped them this whole time. So she got her fist and unloaded on the guy’s face. And then she got the hell out of there, leaving behind one angry and confused mime.

The End.


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