The above photo was taken at T’s “reunion” dinner Sunday night, but for the most part I’ve been surrounded by a lot of breasts lately.
Well, not surrounded - more like sitting at the end of the table by myself as the breasts chat away about pedicures. Or walking solo just ahead of the breast brigade as they engage in a serious discussion about hair highlights. The breasts, of course, belong to my girlfriend and her gal pals. That’s right, I hang with chicks now.
I'm the token penis.
Lord knows what happened to the guys. T’s in Hong Kong. Chuck’s holed up with his woman. Rog and Geney Boy are always off pretending to be doing their show biz thing, when it’s obvious to everyone that they moonlight as superheroes, fighting crime and dispensing justice while disguised as French maids. Squiggy's sitting at the bar over at the Pointe, sweet-talking the supple bartenders while not wearing any pants.
It’s not that I don’t see them at all, but it’s definitely not like the old days, when Thursday night was always Guys Night Out. I suppose it doesn’t help that I’ve been a socially lazy bastard. Maybe instead of staying home and watching “Cupid” with the girls, I should make more of an effort to go back out there and do things so tremendously manly that they border on the homoerotic.
Not that spending a lot time with women is a bad thing, mind you. They’re my friends too, which is how my girlfriend met most of them in the first place. And despite the fact that I think I know all there is to know about the monthly bleeding gender, I learn a few things now and then, for instance:
1. The Asian girl on "Big Brother 4" thinks she’s “all that when in fact she’s nasty and has this totally huge gut.” (I thought the show was canceled after the second season. Go figure.)
2. Orlando Bloom is hot (I’m telling you the dude looked like Gwyneth Paltrow in “Lord of the Rings.”).
3. The season premiere of “Sex and the City” was disappointing.
4. Boys fall into two groups: "Tries Too Hard" and "Doesn't Try Hard Enough." Of the two, it’s advantageous for the male to fall in the second group. Not because it’s less evil, but because it’s much more likely to get you laid. But then you run the risk of being categorized as "Tries Too Hard To Appear As If You're Not Trying Hard Enough."
5. There’s an outlet mall in Camarillo.
But it’s not all girl talk. Sometimes they discuss male-oriented topics as well, like sports:
GIRL 1: So did you hear about Kobe?
GIRL 2: Kobe’s so cute.
GIRL 3: What? He looks like a horse. Horry’s much better-looking.
GIRL 4: I kinda dig Iverson. He’s got puppy dog eyes … Is that a multicolored LV purse? I hate you!