July 21st, 2003


Friday Night, As Seen Through My Bad Usage Of Photoshop Blur Filters.

For Tab’s birthday, we hit this restaurant called Fat Fish. I recommend the Teriyaki-Glazed Filet Mignon and Trio of Tunas, but I wouldn’t say the same for their Firecracker rolls.

Jill, who’d been there before, had told me that they were extremely hot, and the menu description said the same thing. But, as I told the waiter, I’d assumed they meant “white person” hot. And if you’re Mexican, Thai or Jamaican, you know what I mean. I’ve seen mild-mouthed Caucasians go into seizures after eating a cinnamon Altoid, so I figured the Firecracker would - at most - be as fiery as a Spicy Nacho Dorito.

Well I put the first Firecracker roll into my mouth and rolled it around with my tongue, which promptly evaporated. I don’t know what sort of fish it was supposed to be, but it was as if Satan had been accidentally caught in one of those illegal gill nets and served up raw with rice and dried seaweed.

“Habanero peppers?” I asked the gringo waiter as the snot poured out my nose. He nodded rather gleefully.

“How’d you know?” he asked.

“Because I can feel my asshole quivering with fear.”


After dinner, the owner was nice enough to take us to the bar in the back for a round of shots. Blavod black vodka poured over pineapple juice. Besides the usual medicinal benefits of regular vodka, black vodka solves every Asian clubbers’ nightmare of having to drink a beverage that clashes with their outfit.

Leaving the restaurant, we met up with some other friends at Jill’s place, where a buddy was skillfully making fancy girly drinks such as watermelon martinis. Squiggy tried to make his own watermelon martini by pouring vodka on a watermelon and then sucking on the melon as hard as possible. Who needs a martini glass when you’ve got a large salad bowl and strong lungs?

This man wasn’t originally this short. He had his legs amputated just so he could always boast that his penis touched the ground.

The cool thing about having actor friends is that they take direction really well. I told this guy to pretend he was laying a giant egg. Didn't realize the experience was so orgasmic.

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