July 22nd, 2003


Kobe, Kobe, Kobe.


By now a lot of you’ve probably seen photos of Kobe’s accuser. What struck me, besides the fact that she sort of resembles Britney Spears, was that they also gave out her name, email address, phone number and even home address.

According to my lawyer friends, this is perfectly legal as long as the information is correct. For all we know, the guy who posted the information on the site has no idea who the real accuser is and just wants to get revenge on some random chick who wouldn’t add him on Friendster.

But in all likelihood, that’s the girl. And we’ve already heard reports that she OD’ed on pills a couple of months ago following a breakup with her boyfriend and a friend’s death. I think I heard on the radio that she also was a big time basketball groupie. Worst of all, she tried out for “American Idol.” That alone qualifies most people for the death penalty.

I’m sure we’ll see and hear a lot more dirt – true or false – about the woman. And I’m just counting the days when we start reading articles about the bastard children in Italy with Kobe’s DNA. Or that he accidentally got punched in the face during the taping of that gay Sprite boxing commercial and cried in his dressing room.

I’ve been told that rape cases are extremely difficult to prove, even more so for ones like this, where there’s minimal physical evidence. Because then it all comes down to He Said, She Said. And the best chance you have of winning in this scenario is to completely destroy the other person’s credibility. So what you’re going to see is basically a highly sophisticated version of monkeys throwing feces at each other. It’s the kind of thing that has Fox News executives masturbating in their offices.

At this point, Kobe’s off to a terrific start. As a lawyer buddy wrote to me in an email:

Kobe = Celebrity = Awesome Presence = Great Communicator = Good Looking = Credibility (Even without his magnetic presence, are we to believe that he raped a girl and then was calmly hanging with the fellas just hours b/4 surgery? No way!).

Accuser = Unstable Chick = Wannabe American Idol = No Crediblity.

Plus given Kobe’s team of Nike endorsement money-sucking attorneys versus a DA who’s only had the job for a few months, I’m guessing he won’t have to worry about being the Tyra Banks of Chino Hills prison. This might not even go to trial, which would mean a lot less masturbating Fox News people.

I’m a huge Laker fan, and therefore Kobe’s innocent until proven guilty, which I’ve been told is how the court system supposedly works. But I’m also a huge cynic, so if some nasty shit surfaced about the Kobester – like he dances even worse than Mark Madsen - I wouldn’t be surprised.

And I do agree with Jim Rome in that the one thing Kobe’s definitely guilty of is stupidity.

Up to this point, he tried to have everyone buy into this image of him being a wholesome, virtuous husband and father. Maybe this 19-year-old hotel clerk was his first slip-up. Or maybe he’s fucked around, as rich and famous husbands are wont to do, but not as often as his fellow NBA mates – thereby depriving him of the proper experience needed to pick out the trouble-free, slutty panty hamsters from the troubled, psychotic panty hamsters.

But for goodness sake, man, play it smart next time and videotape all your sex.

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