July 24th, 2003


The Bathroom God Is An Angry God.

My ex-roommate Tiger was in the men’s room of the hospital he was working at, doing his pee-pee thing. When he was done and washing his hands, he heard this extremely loud voice.

“Get out of there!”

This voice, deep and gruff, startled the hell out of Tiger. Was some restroom deity angered with the way he’d carelessly shook his weasel, causing stray drops of urine to hit tile? The bellowing voice was coming from one of the toilet stalls behind him.

“C’mere you! That’s it … poke your head out … now the rest of ya’s.”

Who the fuck was this guy talking to? Himself?


“Atta boy! Now it’s your turn, mister!”

It then dawned on Tiger that the man was yelling at his turds. Working at a giant hospital like Cedar-Sinai, you come across all sorts of characters: the deranged, the severely constipated, or both.

“C’mon! Get down there with the rest of your pals!”

Tiger told me this story a long-ass time ago. To this day I still can’t forget it, especially today at the office, when I felt like the angry crapping man. I was pacing back and forth, gritting my teeth, talking to no one in particular.

"C'mon! Get outta there!!"

The ideas just won’t come out, like the stubborn little shits they are. But tomorrow I’m yanking those bastards out. I’ll grab a pair of really long chopsticks if I have to. Shove them up through my nose into the brain cavity where the giggling fuckers are hiding behind the hippocampus.

Advertising really is loads of fun though. You should try it some time.

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The Internet Is Evil. Get Off It Now.

My friend Chin just emailed me this article ...

Wrong Woman Named As Bryant Accuser, Family Hires Lawyer

(Eagle, Colorado-AP) -- If you've found out who Kobe Bryant's accuser is by looking on the Internet, you may have the wrong information.

The family of a woman who was wrongly identified as the accuser has hired a lawyer -- hoping to keep her image from being circulated on-line.

It started with two photos of the wrong woman -- including one in which she was with her school's dance team. Since then, some Web sites have altered photos to put that woman's face on nude bodies. Others are calling her all sorts of profanities.

There are similarities with the real accuser. The two women have the same first name, and attended the same high school. One was a cheerleader, the other was on the dance squad.

The lawyer says someone "put two and two together" -- and "came up with five."

She says the family isn't looking for any money -- they "just want this to stop."


Onto other Kobe news, a coworker told me that the dude got his wife an eight-karat purple diamond ring. He probably thinks it's a $4 million apology; but I'm thinking it's more like a $4 million reminder to his wife that her husband fucked another woman.

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