August 7th, 2003


I Don't Think Even The Bible Could've Predicted Shit This Crazy.


Well now it's official. Pictured above are three of the candidates running for governor of California. You also have Ariana Huffington running against her ex-husband Mike Huffington, who once ran for Senate and is openly bisexual.

You know all the religious scholars are losing sleep over this bitch, pulling all-nighters poring over every doomsday and apocolyptic text for signs or clues involving Austrians or porn kings. Maybe one of them is fashioning a holy weapon made of silver as we speak and is waiting for the right time to smite the undead (I know for a fact that Angelyne died back in the Nineties.).

Of all the candidates, I'd probably vote for Larry Flynt. Not because he wants to legalize drugs, prostitution and gambling, for this would take away the magic specialness of Amsterdam. It's simply because he has the best campaign slogan: "The Smut Peddler Who Cares."

But the one who really concerns me is Arnold. Maybe this is all "T4," and Skynet finally figured out the best way to defeat the humans. Instead of building a robot programmed to kill Ed Furlong, they send back a T-1 model that's specially programmed to win elections and eventually seize power as Emperor. I'm not sure how, but I'm certain there's an Article in the UN Charter that lets you crown yourself Ruler of the World under the right circumstances.

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