October 16th, 2003


Gladiators, Pirates & Kickboxers. And The Chicks Who Dig Them.


So my girlfriend used to have this huge crush on Russell Crowe.

It ended when we found ourselves standing behind him and Meg Ryan while waiting in line to buy movie tickets. I nudged my girlfriend and whispered, "Check it out, your boy toy."

She glanced at the scruffy, short man standing before her and crinkled her nose. "No way," she replied.

And that's when I realized that she never was into Russell Crowe at all: she was in love with Maximus, the character Crowe played in "Gladiator." This isn't too surprising considering that women tend to fall for actors all the time based on some character they played in a movie or TV show.

That's because females are suckers for the idealistic notion of romance, you silly rabbits. But I'm not sure they'd fall for the same guy once he steps out of the fantasy world and into reality a la Tom Baxter in the "Purple Rose of Cairo."

To demonstrate, I've picked out a few actors that my chick buddies have gushed about as a direct result of a film role they played, starting with:

Russell "Scruffy" Crowe aka "Gladiator's" Maximus.
[Also: Orlando Bloom’s Legolas and Chow Yun Fat’s Li Mu Bai.]

The Fantasy:
Here we have a man's man. He's the quiet type because his actions speak louder than words. A supreme badass, this alpha wolf is big on honor and is highly respected by his peers. I'm assuming this is what turns the chicks on b/c he doesn't really do much with the ladies in the movie. The only interaction we see between him and his wife is when he's wiping his snot on her charcoal feet. But he spends the rest of the movie seeking to avenge her death, and stays true to his crispy wife by not boning the extremely boneable Connie Nielson. Postmortem fidelity scores really big with the ladies.

The Reality:
Dude doesn't talk much, which might seem sexy when he's riding a horse or cutting gladiators in half, but can get really annoying during a dinner date. Also, girls appreciate a guy with a good sense of humor, and Maximus doesn't strike me as someone who's big on the ha-ha's.

John Cusak aka "Say Anything’s" Lloyd Dobler.
The Fantasy:
Unlike Maximus, Lloyd’s big on communication. His conversations are always of the sensitive, soul-searching variety that the females love. The fact that he’s a kick boxer fortunately reduces the gayness factor. Other than kick boxing, however, he has only one real ambition in life: To devote himself to Diane Court. Commitment-phobe, Lloyd Dobler is not. And when Diane dumps his ass, he doesn’t crew with the boys, get shitfaced, and have rebound sex like a typical male. Rather, he stands wounded outside her window at 5 AM, holding a ghetto blaster over his head as it belts out Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”

The Reality:
The reason why he picked Diane Court is because she’s brilliant and will someday have a very lucrative career with which to financially support him as he unsuccessfully attempts a career in kick boxing. The soul-searching conversations become less appealing when they’re followed by him asking you to increase his allowance.

Ewan McGregor aka "Moulin Rouge’s" Christian.
[Also: Leonardo DiCaprio’s Jack.]

The Fantasy:
This is the starving artist with an intoxicating lust for life. These gifted souls are so full of this joie de vivre that they can burst into song at any given minute - with the cool part being music will just magically start playing out of nowhere, and the surrounding people will immediately start dancing in precisely choreographed movements. When they’re not busy painting you naked, they’re writing a moving poem about your eyelashes.

The Reality:
For some reason, these kind of guys are only drawn to tragic love affairs – probably because they were raised in a circus and occasionally beaten by clowns. So the odds are at least one of you will die a horrible, premature death. If you’re lucky, he’ll starve to death first.

Richard Gere aka "Pretty Woman’s" Edward Lewis.
The Fantasy:
Good Lord, do I even need to explain this one? Two words: handsome billionaire. That one scene where he hands her his credit card so that she can go on a Rodeo Drive shopping spree had millions of women masturbating right there in the movie theaters.

The Reality:
A billionaire who's handsome? Good one. Even if you found the man, the only way you’d be able to catch his interest is if you happen to be a walking contradiction, like a hooker with a heart of gold. Or a nun who’s a hooker. Or a gymnast who thinks she’s a gerbil. And if you’ve seen his Ferrari, you know that he has an extremely small penis.

Johnny Depp aka "Pirates of the Caribbean’s" Jack Sparrow.
The Fantasy:
Chicks dig pirates, because they’re like bikers with a yacht. Plus you have the rock star attitude, cockiness and mascara – minus the rock star fugliness.

The Reality:
Genital warts. And with some pirates, genital scurvy.


I could go on and on, but my ass is getting sleepy after a long day of cutting gladiators in half. Next week, I’ll cover the actresses. Maybe.

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