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Subject:Sundays With Dad.
Time:01:51 am
While watching the World Series in my parents' living room ...


DAD:

Next year - you have to get married.


ME:

Same question, same answer. I'm never getting married.


DAD:

Don't say that, that's Communist! You are a Communist?


ME:

Dad, there are 50 billion married people in China.


DAD:

China not Communist.


ME:

You're saying they're capitalists now?


DAD:

No, Chinese people just crazy. Sex too much.


--

Two hours later in the car...


DAD:

So next year - you getting married.


ME:

Told you, never getting married. Not next year. Or any year.


DAD:

No! You have to. God created the marriage. You have to obey God.


ME:

God created mosquitoes. Doesn't mean I have to agree with it.


DAD:

God did not create the mosquitoes.


ME:

Then who created them?


DAD:

Some other person.


ME:

God bless you, Dad.



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Subject:Fake Millionaires And The Village People.
Time:11:33 pm
Reality shows have been played out for years in my TV repertoire. Normal people tend to bore me after a few minutes, so why the hell would I want to watch them for an hour? But tonight I went and saw me some "Joe Millionaire."

Fox has been advertising the shit out of this show for the past few weeks - even tattooing the Joe Millionaire logo inside your eyelids while you were asleep - so I'm not going to explain the second season's Euro twist. Earlier this year, I had erroneously predicted a transsexual twist, "Joella Millionaire", where a bunch of single guys try to woo a wealthy supermodel, only to find out later that she used to be a man. Could you imagine the ratings for that season finale?


SUPERMODEL: I've been lying to you this whole time.

SINGLE GUY: That you're not really rich?

SUPERMODEL: No, I used to be a dude. My birth name is Frank.

SINGLE GUY: Oh thank God, I thought you were going to tell me you weren't rich.



The cowboy seems like a nice, polite guy; and he's ripped like a motherfucker. But my initial impression is that he might actually be dumber than last year's Joe Millionaire, which is like finding something hotter than the sun. Speaking of which: wasn't last year's Joe a construction worker? Good Lord, Fox is using the Village People as a casting guide. Next season, it's going to be a gay traffic cop in Asia.




--

You know who blogs a lot? (Man, I really hate that word "blog." Every time I hear it, it makes me want to quit writing this here journal 'cause "blog" just sounds so damn gay.) Margaret Cho.

And by a lot, I mean she updates almost every day - and it's not the "Catch me at the Laugh Factory tomorrow night. And keep those fan letters coming!" kind of updates either. She writes mini-novels. The woman's mind is an A-bomb that explodes on a daily basis, with the reader's brain being Hiroshima. In one entry she goes from writing about getting her ass hairs waxed to pubic hair implants in Korea to her suicidal cousin Crystal.

I've included a random excerpt below, and now I'm headed to bed, Ned:

We need Angry Jesus to storm the Vatican right now, kicking out the money changers and the temple prostitutes and the child molesters. I love me some Angry Ass Jesus. Make your own loaves and fishes muthafucka! Get out of my Father's house!!! I want Jesus to evict your ass, throw all the millions of dollars worth of sacred art and gold and relics and Liberace style robes bought with the blood of the countless believers who give you everything and more so that they will be saved, and you do nothing but let them die, condemn them, judge them, molest them, kill them.


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[icon] caffeineguy
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