November 14th, 2003


Paris Hilton.


By now a lot of you have probably seen the home video featuring Shannen Doherty's husband & one of the Hilton sisters, Paris. If you don't know who she is, God bless you, because the chick has absolutely no reason to be famous. The guy waving at cars on the street corner while dressed as a sandwich deserves more fame than her. Nevertheless, Paris is going to be starring in her own reality TV show on FOX called "The Simple Life" along with Lionel Ritchie's daughter. Why? Because we're all idiots and that's the type of shit we like to watch.

If you haven't seen the amateur porn yet, there's a link on one of bostonbebe's entries. And since everyone's already given their theories about "Matrix Revolutions" already, I'm going to give my theories about "Hilton Reloaded."

What's With The Night-Vision Camera?
The first thing you notice is that they use one of those ultraviolet cameras that CNN used all the time during the Iraq War, which makes it seem like Paris and her boyfriend are about to raid a bunker in Baghdad.

Why they went through the trouble of shooting in the dark instead of just turning the damn lights on and using a regular video camera like normal sexual deviants is a mystery to me. At first I thought it was because maybe Paris was camera-shy and more comfortable with the lights off. But then it becomes apparent that she's really into getting filmed. In fact, she gives the camera far more attention than the guy.

Is Paris Hilton A Demon Spawn Or Assassin Robot?
Contrary to popular belief, she is not a bye-product of Satan or some android sent from the future to kill Ashton Kutcher. So despite the fact that her eyes glow in the dark like tiny lakes of hellfire, it's a result of the night-vision camera and not because she needs to feed on the blood of virgins.

Why Is The Guy Louder Than Her?
I always find it disturbing when most of the sex noises are coming from the dude. It's comparable to dating a female who farts louder than you do. That's just not right and should be banned by the Constitution.

Who Calls Her On The Cell Phone?
The best part of the movie is when Paris' phone rings and she gets out of bed and answers it. It's already pretty evident that she's not really into the guy at all, but if you listen carefully, the person on the other line is Morpheus.

"Hello, Neo. Do you know who this is?"

"Huh? Sorry, you've got the wrong number. This is Paris Hilton."

"This is the Hilton hotel in Paris? Can I use my Starwood points here?"

"NO. Thanks a lot asshole, I was hoping you were a booty call so I could tape myself having sex with someone other than this loud freak."

Who Is The Merovingian?
Is Zion a Matrix too? Why does the Machine King take Neo's body away at the end? Why couldn't the Machines just build structures tall enough to go past the clouds and harness the sun's energy? Why do Morpheus' sunglasses have no ear thingies? Why did they bother making two more movies after "The Matrix?"

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