I'll be getting a new car this year. Just don't know what.
Because I've been creating automotive advertising for a long-ass time, I pretty much know what I'm looking for in a car:
2. Not a pain in the ass to drive.
3. Compels gorgeous, shallow women to drag you into the backseat and violate you like a sacred Indian burial ground.
4. Will not force me to organize an elaborate casino heist.
5. Not possessed by demons.
This pretty much limits me to a handful of 2004 models to choose from, and that hand has a finger or two missing. I guess it makes picking a car that much easier.
One of the models I was considering was the Infiniti FX. I told myself I'd never consider an SUV. But the FX is one of those "crossover" vehicles, so technically it's not 100% SUV, which means I'm not 100% lying to myself if I were to get one.
ME: See, this isn't an SUV at all. More like a station wagon suffering from gigantism.
MYSELF: What do you take me for? Some clueless whore?
ME: Well, yes. I've lied to you so many times and gotten away with it. It's not even a challenge any more.
MYSELF: That's what you think, asshole. I knew what was going on every single time. I've known ...
I: Could you two stop using my name? It's confusing the shit outta me.
So I stopped by an Infiniti dealership today and sat inside an FX. It was comfortable enough, but I noticed something wrong right away. The hood had this enormous bulge in the middle, like a hump.
With my current car you don't see the hood at all from the driver's seat, only pavement and a bleak future. I can see how parallel parking and maneuvering through tight traffic with the FX might be less smooth with the bulge obstructing the view. I was curious as to where the bumper was from where I was sitting inside.
"Could you go stand in front of the car?" I asked my girlfriend. She obliged.
"Is that where the bumper is?" I asked.
"No," said the salesman, who was standing to the side.
"Could you stand right in front, against the bumper? Like I'm running you over in a volcanic rage?" I asked. Of course the girlfriend ignored me and walked away.
At this point, I noticed the salesman was giving me this strange look. I got out of the SUV - er, crossover vehicle - and walked over to the G35 Coupe.
"You know if I wanted to run over and kill people with a higher success rate, this probably accelerates quicker than the FX," I said.
"It's got a higher residual too," he replied.
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