January 21st, 2004


The Next Red Bull?


Despite my Livejournal name I've never written an entry about caffeine. And I almost never write my entries while drinking a cup of strong coffee as in the olden days of yore (2003). I might as well be eggsbenedictguy or thatfuckingguy or humidhatingguy.

Well here's my first caffeine entry. And sadly enough, it's practically a product endorsement for a drink called Bawls. First of all, what the hell were these guys thinking when they named it? They might as well have called it Semen.

"I'm so thirsty, Tyler, I could really wrap my lips around some Bawls!"

"Jake! Bro, these Bawls are a little warm. Could you grab me another pair?"

"Stop squeezing your Bawls so hard, Dylan, or you'll get it all over yourself!"

"Your Bawls are so refreshing, Brad!"

There were more examples, but I ran out of frat boy names.

According to Bawl's web site it's made from the enchanted Guarana berry, which is handpicked in the Amazon jungle by Smurfs. Bawls claims the berry "contains a naturally-occurring form of caffeine which is 2.5 times stronger than the caffeine found in coffee, tea, and soft drinks." BUT you experience none of the stomach discomfort and jitters associated with drinking too much coffee.

Like the flat-headed midget with giant ears, this sounds too good to be true. And as a guy who's paid to make people buy things they don't need by "enhancing" the truth, I'm naturally suspicious. Isn't caffeine just caffeine regardless of whether it comes in an Amazonian berry or a soy cafe mocha?

But I am curious about the stuff, since normal coffee hasn't been working the same magic on me lately. And if all the advertising crap turns out to be true, I too will be wrapping my lips around some Bawls in the near future.

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