February 2nd, 2004


Janet Jackson Is A Ninja.

This caused quite a stir at our Super Bowl party, and I guess it made news too, with Timberlake claiming it was "unintentional." When I saw the photo above on Yahoo! News, it confirmed my suspicions that it wasn't an accident at all; because Janet had put a pasty over her nipple in anticipation of the halftime "show."

But then I got to wondering: What the hell was that on her nipple?

It seemed to be metal. And sharp. Could it possibly be a ninja throwing star?


I consulted a ninja manual on such weapons and found a page about nipple stars, more commonly known throughout the ninja industry as nipple shurikens or nipplekins.


They come in many shapes and sizes, with a hole in the middle for easy nipple storage.


Once on the nipples, they can be easily concealed under a black shirt or leather bra until the ninja is ready to use them to dispatch an enemy. I could've only hoped that Janet had planned to use them to take out P. Diddy before Justin unwittingly foiled her plot.


Update: Thanks to an even closer shot of Janet's nipple, now I'm 100% convinced it was a ninja nipple weapon. Just check out the comments to this post and scroll down to lexxy_pie's reply.

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Hoods And Their Ornaments.

This morning a coworker stopped by my office and told me my car’s hood emblem was missing.

It was probably stolen Saturday night, because I’d parked it in a couple of questionable neighborhoods. But I hadn’t noticed it Sunday, and if my coworker hadn’t told me, I probably would never have noticed for a while. Seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I looked at the front of my car. I'm all about the ass.

“What the hell would that loser do with a hood emblem?” I asked. “Unless it’s like the early Nineties again, and hood ornaments are making a comeback as a gangsta fashion statement.”

“Could be. I noticed another Bimmer a few days ago with its hood emblem missing,” he replied.

“Or maybe that cheap bastard stole mine to replace his stolen emblem, because Bimmer drivers are amoral assholes,” I said. Except me, of course, I’m gushing with love for all humankind.

I remember those days when people were stealing hood ornaments left and right in a sad attempt to mimic the glittery rappers who wore giant gold Mercedes emblems on thick rope chains. Problem was, the thieves didn’t just target Mercedes; they went after any car’s hood ornament. No brand loyalty whatsoever. My mom’s Cadillac was victimized, even my roommate’s Honda.

I remember being a little surprised in ’95, when my roommate told me about his Honda's hood and trunk emblems getting jacked. Mind you, Honda’s a dependable automobile with exhilarating performance – I know this because they were my first client, and I was forced to write that crap all the fricking time - but it’s not a luxury car (Yet it feels and drives like one. Honda, Just Do It.)

That’s when a friend told us about a big Asian street gang called the Hung Mung. Apparently its members were the ones stealing the H’s off of Hondas. Maybe it was just an urban myth, but now I wonder if there’s a gang out there whose name features the initials BMW. There are several gang name possibilities:

- the Butt Monkey Wankers

- the Boldly Menstruating Wombats

- Behold, Muscular Wenches!

- the Boisterous Mattress Warehouse

- these angry guys named BartholoMeW

Whatever the name is, just be on the lookout for people wearing car emblems as fashion accessories, whether they be on necklaces, cufflinks, aging female popstar's nipples, etc.

"Yo, who you tryin' to front to, playa?"

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