February 16th, 2004


The Genghis Khans of Mattresses.

Just got back from watching "Monster." Not quite what I had in mind for a movie where Charlize Theron plays a man-killing hooker. I was thinking more of an erotic thriller combining "Pretty Woman" and "La Femme Nikita," where Charlize is a scantily clad assassin posing as a high-class call girl. Instead I got this:

I was told she gained over 30 pounds for this role, and all of it was ugly. This film could seriously challenge "Lord of the Rings" for best special effects, because they were somehow able to transform a stunning goddess of a woman into a hideous trailer beast. Even my girlfriend, who'd strongly consider Charlize Theron for a lesbian encounter, couldn't bear to watch her kissing scenes.

"By golly, they actually made her unfuckable," I exclaimed. This nearby couple turned to me, cleary offended.

"Did you just say 'By golly?'" they asked.


Speaking of unfuckable, a bunch of us were having lunch earlier today when two of our friends brought up this article that claimed married couples who owned a king-sized mattress were more likely to get a divorce than couples who owned other mattress sizes. (Strangely, one of the people who mentioned this was married and slept on a king-sized bed.)

No one knew why, but Squiggy's theory was that people who bought king-sized mattresses had larger bedrooms, which might mean, on average, that they were more affluent than the queen and full-sized masses. And rich people get divorces all the time on account of their being noncommittal and evil. Another theory was that however distant a couple was toward each other while awake, at night a wider king bed allowed them to maintain or even reinforce that cold, empty space between themselves.

To me it doesn't matter how big the fricking bed is, because my girlfriend hogs up all the space anyway, leaving me only a sliver of mattress to call my own. And despite claiming a Texas-sized chunk of the bed compared to my tiny Manhattan studio, she still wants more. Just a few weeks ago, I woke up just in time to find myself falling off my bed. When I told this story, Rog said his girlfriend had also done the same thing to him recently, except he got kicked off whereas I got forced out, like the Native Americans.

Men may rule the world, but women are the Genghis Khans of mattresses.

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