February 17th, 2004


Michael Jackson Is An Asian Woman.


Women are vain little bastards. And Asian women take vanity to a whole 'nother level.

I figured I'd make this blanket statement on the Internet, because I'm a coward. And because the last time I made this observation out loud, I got shanked in the kidney with an eyebrow pencil. My mom never even apologized.

So where was I? Ah yes, Asian women are insane. This was the thought that crossed my mind while I was talking with this doctor at a house party. The man had just offered this girl I know a free botox treatment if she got four of her other female friends to sign up for injections. She's fricking 26, years away from anything remotely old and withered.

"Where the hell is that wrinkle you have to remove?" I asked her. "That deep line going across your lower face? It's called a mouth, I've heard you need it to eat."

So I got to talking with the doctor guy, who's got a practice in Westwood near UCLA. Not surprisingly most of his botox clients were Asian. But I was a little surprised to learn that quite a few of them were college students, who I guess wanted to recapture their prepubuscent years.

"Of all the ethnic groups, Asian women are the ones who need it the least, but want it the most. It's kind of tragic in a way," he said while caressing his mink robe.

It's true, Asian people age pretty damn well, otherwise I never would've talked my girlfriend into taking me to her prom last year. But it hasn't stopped us from being excrutiatingly insecure about our looks. Just the other day I tried to talk a friend out of getting a liposuction; and she not only works out every day, she's a fricking pilates instructor. And, shockingly, she's not even Korean.

Lord knows they've pointed to a mulititude of brainwashing culprits: Caucasian-centric media, Asian male chauvinism, terrorists, whatever. It just makes me want to grab you ladies by the shoulders and shake some sense into you, and maybe watch your boobs jiggle.

Believe me, I can go on and on about this topic, but it's getting late and I need at least six hours of sleep to look pretty.

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