March 17th, 2004


Happy Angry Leprechaun Day.

When unmarried couples celebrate their anniversaries, do they pick the day they first met? Their first date? Their first kiss? Their first mutual groining?

With me and the woman, we celebrate the day of our first date. Frankly, as a guy I find it a bit unnecessary to celebrate any anniversary until your asses are wedded. I see the non-married anniversary as yet another tactic employed by Team Uterus to force their boyfriends into buying them an expensive dinner and a diamond tiara. (What, you people don’t buy your girlfriends tiaras every anniversary? I’ve been conned by De Beers again!)

But at this point, for guys the only alternatives to women are farm animals; and cows don’t really make for good conversation - plus I heard they’re even more high maintenance than LA women. So until scientists genetically engineer talking sheep, men will always have to play along with our girlfriends’ completely arbitrary rules of romance.

The one good thing about our anniversary falling on March 17 is that it’s St. Patrick’s Day, which kinda makes it easier to remember. For you single guys, keep this in mind when planning your first date, unless you’re not in it for long-term potential, but for the cheap sex. To further aid my rather questionable memory, I try to picture my girlfriend as a leprechaun whenever she gets pissed off at me for something I most likely didn’t do.

Girlfriend --> angry leprechaun --> St. Patrick’s Day --> anniversary.

Speaking of which, she didn’t even remember who the hell I was when I called to ask her out on our first date. You see on the night we first met, we were both insanely intoxicated, which is how all respectable couples should first meet. The next morning I woke up with a phone number scrawled on the back of my hand and called it. The only reason she even agreed to go out with me was because she liked my phone voice, which – thanks to it being parched by alcohol – sounded deep and husky.

“Thank God you turned out to be tall. And not that ugly,” she said.

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