April 1st, 2004


Dutch Ovens And Other Displays Of Affection.

A typical weeknight ritual with Doc and Geney Boy consists of a Kaluhua Pig Bowl at Wahoo's followed by beverages at a Coffee Bean, or one of the 582 boba joints on Sawtelle.

Tonight we were talking about some of our married friends, and Geney Boy mentioned how this one girl we know complained to him that her husband liked to throw farts in her face. And by that I mean when the dude feels his ass is about to bark, he quickly cups his hand over the sphincter to capture as much of the brown essence as possible. He then lovingly tosses the fistful of anal scent into his wife's nose.

If you knew the husband and wife like we did, it made for a strange mental image. Because they're one of those picture-perfect, attractive couples that live the kind of married life you'd see in a Ralph Lauren ad. But if you were familiar with Relationship Rule #4 like I am, it's not surprising at all.

Relationship Rule #4: The more comfortable a couple gets with each other, the more likely the guy will start to treat the female like a kid sister (Except for the sexing part, of course.)


You see, once the man has finally succeeded in getting the girl, the desire to impress her diminishes over time - some faster than others. She goes from the object of lust and affection to an object of entertainment. It generally starts with the belching.

At first, it's a quiet, gentle burp followed by an "Excuse me." As harmless as it seems, this is the spark that gets the forest fire of bodily functions started. Soon enough, he's unleashing 10 straight seconds of demonic sounds from the depths of his belly. And the "Excuse me" is replaced with "Can you smell what I had for lunch, baby?"

From this point, one or more things start to happen as the fall from gentleman heaven rapidly approaches terminal velocity. In no particular order:

1. He pees with the door unlocked, and sometimes wide open. Although it was featured in a "Sex and the City" episode, I've never heard of a boyfriend taking it to the next level and adding loaf pinching to the open-door policy.

2. He picks his nose, knuckle-deep. He picks his ear, knuckle-deep. If you're lucky, he'll wipe the nuggets on his shirt. Otherwise, it could be on yours.

3. He farts. Silently at first, like a prayer. Then loudly, and with feeling. Soon, his anus is a semi-automatic weapon.

4. He constantly walks, sits, eats, composes poetry in his underwear. Or none at all. Those boxer briefs become a lot less sexy when you recognize them from the previous day ... and the day before that.

5. He excitedly calls you over to see something magical. To your horror, you realize he's leading you to the toilet to show you the size of his massive dump. "It's like I gave birth to a brown python," he exclaims.


After a while, the guy gets bored with the conventional displays of caveman etiquette. That's when he begins trying out new techniques, like throwing his fart into the face of the woman who once haunted his dreams.

Another fart tactic is the infamous Dutch Oven, where a man lets one out while lying in bed with his woman and then quickly throws the blanket over her head, thereby forcing her to bake in his bodily gases.

My thing is I try to stick my pinky finger up my girlfriend's nose when she's not looking or while she's asleep. After realizing that getting mad was only encouraging my behavior, she simply decided to retaliate by not only sticking her finger up my nose, but then also sticking that finger in my mouth.

I was a bit shocked to find out one of my friends did the exact same thing with his conservative, well-mannered wife. If this catches on, I may have to give it a name like a Dutch Oven. How 'bout the Korean Nostril Ninja?

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