April 20th, 2004


The Lack Of Asian Ass.

Saturday morning I was jarred awake by the sound of my girlfriend screaming, followed by some disturbingly loud crashing and banging.

"You alright???" I yelled as I jumped out of bed. I rushed out of the room into the hall and looked down over the railing.

There she was, curled up at the bottom of the stairs. She’d fallen all the way from the top. Somehow her feet slipped out from under her, and she landed hard on her tailbone several steps down and then tumbled the rest of the way.

She was obviously in a lot of pain, but in a way she was lucky. She smashed her butt, but otherwise she was fine. Believe me, there’s a lot worse that can happen when you fall all the way down a flight of stairs. I shuddered to think what might’ve happened if she’d injured her arms, legs or head.

"Thank God you fell on your ass," I said.

The ass, after all, is your body’s safety cushion, airbag and force field. One of the first things you’re taught in snowboarding is to break your fall with your ass instead of your hands, because that’s what your ass was built for. And the ass is the only part of the body where you can get shot and people think it’s hilarious.

However, the ass isn’t quite as protective for Asian people as it is for other ethnic groups. It’s not quite as bountiful, meaty or bouncy. There is no junk in our trunk. No ghetto in our booty. No ba-donka with our donk.

The Asian ass is as flat as the grassy plains of Mongolia, my friend. Quite frankly, I have no idea how our pants stay on with no buttcheeks of any substantial dimension to keep them from sliding to our ankles. Even gaining weight doesn’t help matters, since the ass just expands mostly sideways like the spreading wings of some mythical beast.

Every once in a while I'll see Asian ass with some surprising curves, but sometimes the guy catches me looking. Seriously though, I've seen some decent Asian asses, but they are rare and my girlfriend selfishly never lets me study them more closely for research purposes.

Speaking of which, as a result of the reduced padding, my girlfriend ended up injuring her coccyx, which is the scientific name for what I like to call the ass bone. Unfortunately there’s no real treatment for this type of thing. It’s not like they can give you a butt cast or ass splint. All you can do is take painkillers, apply ice, and avoid sitting directly on that ass bone as much as possible. I tried to convince my girlfriend to get one of those special doughnut cushions, but she refused.

"I don’t want people thinking I have hemorrhoids," she explained.

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