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Subject:The List.
Time:12:30 pm
Amusingly,
the one single friend I most expected to be in a relatioship by now, isn't;
and the single friend I least expected to be in a relatioship now, is.

It's not that the still-single friend is hurting for dates. After all, he does not have any major birth defects, felonies or - as far as I know - genital warts. In LA, this qualifies him as a good catch. Nor is he even still looking for the right girl. In fact, one of the women he's been seeing hit virtually everything on his list: attractive; smart; interesting; long, straight, well-conditioned hair. But for some reason he's not compelled to start anything serious with her.

--

Here’s the thing about lists. Everybody loves making them. And pretty much every list has the basic three requisites: intelligent, funny, down-to-earth.

Everyone also has a fourth item, but not all of them are willing to admit to its existence; because they don’t want to come across as shallow bastards. Obviously the most common shallow requisite is “attractive”, “visually appealing” or “fucking hot.” There’s nothing wrong with that, of course - after all attraction is important. Sometimes guys will get more specific and list actual body parts, such as “long, stallion-like legs” or “impossibly perky breasts.” But women are just as shallow and perverted - I’ve heard one blurt out, “My boy’s gotta be hung like a jury.”

The other shallow list requisite is wealth. This one’s not as frequent, depending where on this planet you live – usually in a large metropolitan area with a high concentration of Porsches and collagen. I love it when the females try to disguise the wealth requisite as “ambitious” or “successful,” which is just a socially acceptable way of saying “butt-ass rich.”

After you get past the superficial requisites, you get to the idiosyncratic requisites. You are all unique, after all, like fleshy snowflakes; and consequently what you might find desirable, someone else may find strange or vomit-inducing. Below is a short list of some I’ve heard from people over the years:

Bald
Thick eyebrows
Tomboyish
Beer gut
Arrogant
Large nose
Effeminate

Of course, many people have lists that are longer than five or six requisites. And some have lists that are so extensive that they’re just plain ridiculous, that even if such a person did exist, he would have to be some sort of demi-god, in which case having sex with this divine being would cause you to de-evolve into protozoa.

--

Like I said about lists: Everybody loves making them. But nobody actually follows them. For one thing, they tend to be unrealistic. As a psychology professor once said: If you had a list of ten things you were looking for in the perfect mate, in your lifetime you’d be lucky to come across someone who matched five of them.

More importantly, the list tends to be something your brain came up with. And as we all know, when it comes to relationships, your brain is your emotions’ bitch.

Your emotions have a list of their own. You probably don’t even know what’s on this list, and if you did, it wouldn't make any sense. And sadly, you most definitely have no control over what goes on this list. But ultimately, this is the list you follow. While this secret list varies from person to person, everybody’s list has the same top requisite, which I asked my single friend in the beginning of this entry.

“Do you think about this girl constantly when you’re not with her?” I asked.

“No,” he replied.


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