June 8th, 2004


"No Fuck You Terry, Bamboo Can Kill Vampires."

The worst way to wake up is when you’re interrupted from a deep sleep, in the middle of a dream. Because no matter how long or well you slept up to that point, you’re in a zombie state for the rest of the day.

What made it even worse was that I was about to rescue some people who were kidnapped by a tribe of vampires. They were being held in a giant cave in preparation for a big feast, like a vampire Thanksgiving or something. Somehow I’d found a secret entrance into the cave; and Terry Bradshaw, Short Round and I were planning to attack the vampires with these bamboo poles I’d sharpened into stakes.

I’d gotten into a heated argument with Terry Bradshaw, who’d wondered out loud if bamboo qualified as wood, when my girlfriend shook me awake ‘cause I’d slept through the alarm. Now all those people are dead, because that dumbass Terry Bradshaw probably went back to look for non-bamboo stakes.

Yeah, I know, sounds like a cheesy rip-off of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Can’t be helped: My subconscious is staffed with network executives and hack writers. In tonight’s episode I’ll be having a threeway with Paula Abdul and Omarosa. Oh better get my dream TiVo ready for that one.

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