October 14th, 2004

punch

Wingwoman.

Thanks to b_1, here’s a part two in my series “New York Times articles about females who get paid to get men laid.”

This time it’s an article about women who earn about $30 an hour doing what many female friends do for their male buddies for free. While I’d like to say it’s nude cage fighting, that will have to wait for another day … another magically glorious day. No, the job the article covers is Wingwoman.

At first it sounded like a total waste of money to have to actually pay some woman to hook you up at a club or bar. Like I said, that’s what your ovary-equipped pals are for. But then I read the article and it seemed like the professional wingwoman was pretty effective. For one thing, she seemed more subtle about breaking the ice and finding ways to introduce the women to the guy.

This is something most female buddies can’t do well. I’m not talking about bringing over and introducing you to females they already know, I’m referring to the random swimsuit model dancing by herself on top of the bar.

For one thing, your female friends are usually drunk when they’re trying to bring a girl over to you. As a result, there’s nothing smooth about the operation. From what I’ve observed, they walk up to the girl and …


FEMALE BUDDY: Hey, I wanna introduce you to my guy friend!

GIRL: Do I know you?

FEMALE BUDDY: Huh? Hell no! But there’s this guy. He’s really smart and good-looking and he’s hung like a donkey. Not just a normal donkey either, I’m talking about a donkey suffering from elephantitis of the penis.

GIRL: I don’t know…

FEMALE BUDDY: Bitch I'll cut you.


Then they’ll grab the girl by the hand and drag her over to the guy, setting him up for inevitable failure. For Korean females, I blame it on them trying to emulate the booking K-Town waiters who’d harassed them over the years. Also, most of them do it more for the sake of amusing themselves at your expense than actually wanting to help you. Heaven forbid if they decide to pick out the girl for you, because when it comes to judging other females’ looks, women generally suck.

Nevertheless, on average, they’re still more effective than using your male buddies. Male buddies are only useful for keeping the target’s friends occupied anyway. And I do know a couple of women who are quite skilled at winging – maybe they should start charging their friends.

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