October 28th, 2004


The Seven Penguins.


Was walking out of my office last night, and I was profoundly struck by how crisp everything looked and felt. As if we’d swapped air with some pristine Alaskan wilderness (Which means there are thousands of elk and grizzly bears dying of black lung as I write this.)

It’s because LA had been blasted clean by an onslaught of rain and icy winds. Everything was brand spanking new, just out of the wrapper. In the sky, I could see these enormous orange clouds, which was a bit strange considering that it was well into night. Bright, orange clouds … that was when I looked up and saw the lunar eclipse. The moon was a dark rusty copper, with a sliver of piercing white on the upper rim.

Whereas I saw a giant chocolate chip cookie with white frosting on top, others may have seen the Apocalypse. Apparently in other parts of the world, the moon looked red, which qualifies it as a “blood moon.” If you read the book of Revelations, just after the verse that mentions fish and other marine life constructing amphibious tanks and attacking mankind to avenge their deep-fried and sashimi-ed people, the Bible states “The moon became as blood.”

If you need yet another sign that we’re in the End Days, let’s not forget the Red Sox, the demon spawn of baseball. Based on my less-than-recent reading of the Bible, there are seven of these so-called Seals, which were originally called the Seven Penguins, but was scratched after it was felt that seals were more ominous-sounding creatures.


Here are the next five Seals:

The Third Seal:
For the costume parties this weekend, I plan to go as an Iraqi detainee at Abu Ghraib. So look for the naked guy covered in his own feces. Cheapest costume idea ever. My girlfriend will be going as that Lindy England chick, maybe taking along her Golden Retriever to frighten and humiliate me.

The Fourth Seal:
The Packers-Redskins Game. Forget all the stupid polls, the single most accurate predictor of the Presidential election has been the last Redskins home game before Election Day. Since 1936 it's correctly predicted the winner of every single election (The Redskins didn’t exist in 1932.) If the visiting team wins, the incumbent candidate has always lost, so GO PACK!

The Fifth Seal:
Daylight Savings falls on Halloween, which falls on a Sunday. Halloween was originally a holiday for witches to orgy it up in honor of Lucifer, which makes it all the more ironic that it falls on a church day. So what does this mean? It means I get an extra hour of sleep.

The Sixth Seal:
On Monday, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson’s dad will be forced to reveal that his daughters are actually androids he’d built to make a shitload of money. Acid reflux, my ass - that jig was clearly a wiring malfunction. Firing laser beams out of their eyes, they vaporize MTV headquarters, lay waste to Manhattan, and attempt to conquer the world before they are stopped by the Thundercats and Ralph Nader.

The Seventh Seal:
On Tuesday, Election Day, buoyed by his heroic battle against Ashlee and Jessica, Ralph Nader wins it all. But to the Thundercats’ dismay, Nader reveals his true identity as their archnemesis Mumm-Ra. True to his evil mummy ways, Mumm-Ra continues the deficit spending, invades Portugal, and makes Dick Cheney his queen.

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