Hung out with the family and relatives Sunday night, including my middle sister and her husband, who'd flown down from Seattle. They'd recently visited Egypt, and my sister bought me a souvenier there.
"Can't wait til you see it," she said with a grin of terrifying evil. "But I have to show it you in another room, where mom can't see it."
Right away I knew it was something dirty. My fricking pervert of a sister. Out of a bag, she pulled out this clay statue of a bald man with one arm, one leg and one enormous schlong.
According to her, the story behind this guy is that while all the men in his village went off to fight some battle, he stayed behind and impregnated all the women. Apparently the Egyptian gods were player haters, because they punished him by taking away his right arm and left leg - though I'm sure he was able to use his penis as an extra limb.
I'm not even sure that's the real story behind this mysterious groin unicorn. But what the hell was I going to do with this disgusting thing? As it turns out, the one-legged Egyptian dick statue has many uses:
Olive Pit Remover.