January 26th, 2005


Why Men Can't Pee Properly.

I once met a woman who told me that she made her fiancé promise her only one thing: that he’d always pee sitting down.

That was from an old entry called The Ways Men Pee. Not too long after writing that I saw the film "About Schmidt" where Jack Nicholson's wife forces his character to relieve himself in the same manner. Apparently about a little over ten percent of all guys tinkle lady-like.

From the moment man evolved to the point where he could stand, women have always complained about the way males urinate. For the sake of time, I'm not going to discuss the tired "Leaving the seat up" debate. Rather, I'm going to write about something my girlfriend said to me the other day as she came out of the bathroom:

"What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you aim?"

It's as if you think we purposely leave our urine lying around for you to step on. Do you really think we're capable of such evil? Errrr ... other than the fact that our gender invented the AK-47, germ warfare, and the Dirty Sanchez?

What you ladies have to realize is there are at least three things that can go wrong during PeePee Time that can result in unpleasant bathroom floor surprises:

Most peeings are fairly uneventful, quiet events. But depending on how much you drank and the last time you drained the main vein, sometimes a man can end up pissing racehorse-style. I'm talking a powerful yellow laser beam just shooting right out as if your dick was the Death Star and the toilet's the peaceful world of Alderaan.

So violent is the impact that no matter how true your aim, there will be splashage. If you hit the sides of the bowl above the water, that is guaranteed flying shrapnel. You can try to minimize the damage by aiming straight for the deepest part of the water; but even then there are no guarantees that your woman won't soil the bottoms of her feet with your secondhand beer.

Even if you were to successfully micturate without splashage, there's still drippage to worry about. You see, from the bladder to the end of your urethra, a man's urine undertakes a very windy journey through the prostate, under the pubic bone, and over the balls - to grandmother's house we go! And during this journey, there are stragglers who then show up late to the party.

God invented the kidney shake for this very reason - to make sure you completely squeeze out every last drop. But no matter how hard you shake the peg, a drop may still end up falling down your leg. My guess is, of the three, drippage is the leading cause of pee puddles.

This is pretty rare - most women probably don't even know about the existence of this vile phenomenon - but it's easily the most catastrophic thing that can happen when a guy relieves himself. I'm not exactly sure why this happens, but splittage is when instead of just one stream of pee coming out of your pecker, surprise! there are TWO streams springing forth like a fountain show.

But unlike Bellagio's fountain show, there is no Andrea Bocelli singing Con Te Partirò - only sheer panic on your face as you see the stray stream creating a small lake on the right side of your toilet. Sometimes your penis corrects itself, and the two streams quickly become one again, and all is well in PeePee Town. But if you aren't so lucky and the two-headed monster is still alive, the man has two options:

1. Emergency Shutdown. One of the most difficult things any man can do is watch a loved one die, and the other is to stop peeing mid-stream. It's like trying to stop a bullet train flying at peak velocity - with your dick muscles. The piss momentum is infinitely more powerful than gravity. For this reason, most men choose not to abort the mission and go for the second option ...

2. Keeping angling and tilting your groin, and pray that you can somehow get both streams to hit the inside of the bowl before your bathroom turns into the Yellow Sea.


Hopefully this entry was helpful to you ladies in explaining the hazards your boyfriend/husband/manwhore faces several times each day when he drains the dragon.

Actually, why the hell am I apologizing? Women have aiming issues of their own. Lord knows how many times I've heard females complaining about the splattered toilet seats at public restrooms. And you really have no excuse, for shame! You're sitting down for Chrissake: Don't tell me your pee sometimes shoots out sideways. Because if it does, then, well, I'm strangely turned on.

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