January 31st, 2005



A coworker showed me an online video the other day (You know where this is going). It's about two minutes of various naked women farting in each others faces. And I mean one girl bent-over, both hands spreading the cheeks as far as possible, while the other girl practically has her nostrils directly on the puckering sphincter. She then takes a huge whiff as the ass fires its gaseous arsenal.

Some of the girls either enjoyed it or faked it, while other girls sported a curious expression that seemed to ask, "Is that pastrami or artichoke?" The funniest was this one woman who tried to pretend to smile at first, but immediately jerked her head back and started gagging.

Fart porn. I guess it was just a matter of time.

It all comes down to what this one guy used to tell me, "Imagine the sickest, most twisted and deviant thing you can possibly think of; and somewhere out there, it's somebody's most favorite thing."

People are just weird, weird bastards. I think it's a result of the fact that we're the most intelligent (arguably) living things on this planet. After all, the more complex something is, the more likely something can go wrong with it. You don't see other animals getting into freaky sex shit, do you?

... never mind.

Surprising thing is, fart porn is one of the least bizarre fetishes I've come across. I mean you have people who get off on watching women in high heels stomping on small animals (Crushing); people who get off on naked chicks dumping a bucket of baked beans all over themselves (Sploshing); and people who get off on eating or being eaten by other people (Vorephilia). And let's not forget the guys who masturbate while watching females hiccup, cough or sneeze.

Quite simply, there's fetish for everything. As I write this I bet someone is making passionate love to his inkjet printer while wearing a kaiser helmet. Here's a list of the strangest fetishes I found in Yahoo:

Stuffed animals - I knew many sorority chicks back in college who were a little too close with their Gund bears. Come to think of it, our old dog Chichi would often gangbang my sister's Beanie Baby collection.

Amputees - Am I sick for wondering what new kind of positions were possible with these ladies?

Girls brushing their teeth - This would make gingivitis a venereal disease.

Invisible women - INVISIBLE GIRLFRIEND: "Do I look fat?" BOYFRIEND: "How the fuck should I know?"

Latex masks - One man's erotic fantasy is another man's horrific nightmare. If I saw any of these women on my bed, I'd scream like a little bitch and run before she pulled out her chainsaw.

Opera gloves - I guess this is for the man who prefers his handjobs to be a bit more cultured and sophisticated.

People who turn into horses - At first I started laughing, but then I realized that dating a chick who could morph into a horse can be a practical thing. She can be a girlfriend and a mode of transportation at the same time.

What I learned from all of this is it's a good thing God doesn't have Internet access. Or he may just skip the flood part and blow our asses up immediately.

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