February 13th, 2005


Happy Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day is all about expressing your love with $100 roses and $200 prix fixe dinners. Why? Because women are assholes and men are idiots.

Did I forget to mention Valentine cards?

Rather than doing the expected thing this Valentine's Day and getting a card with kittens and teddy bears humping each other, why not get her Road Rage Cards? It's a flip book filled with dozens of printed messages for bad drivers that you can flash from your car.


Because traffic congestion and relationships share similar characteristics, many of the messages on the Road Rage Cards also work for your loved ones:

Let's start off with a classic. How many times have you heard a couple scream these words at each other over the phone, on a sidewalk or during a honeymoon? By simply flashing this card, vocal chords as well as neck and forehead veins can be spared from any unnecessary strain.

Perfect for the signifcant other who spends more time with his cell phone than with you. Or maybe for the girlfriend who has an annoying Lil John ringtone.

Sometimes it's nice to remind your boyfriend how psychotic you truly are. Works even better with ex-boyfriends. For emphasis, you can tape dead rodents to the corners of the card.

My girlfriend sometimes complains that I ignore the first time the alarm goes off. But I think this also works for that special person in your life who sometimes strikes you as being mildly retarded, because he is so utterly clueless.

Sometimes during sex, the guy likes to start off with a slow fucking speed and then gradually accelerate to a warp fucking speed. But then maybe he'll realize he's about to come too soon, and quickly slow things down to a cruising fucking speed. Ladies, if you find this annoying, then somehow there's a card for you.

Surprisingly, female slobs outnumber their male counterparts. I chalk it up to the fact that women just have a lot more crap than men do. How something that weighs less than 110 pounds can require so many things is beyond the comprehension of modern science. When couples live together, the closets, shoe racks and bathroom counters are 90% occupied by the female Hitlers. What doesn't fit in there ends up on the couch, bed and floor like the aftermath of a sweater tsunami.

That women in real life don't enjoy butt sex as much as women in porn is very sad to me. Understanding this, sometimes the guy will utilize sneaky tactics to drive the beef bus into brown town. To prevent this from happening, women should wear this warning on the back of their heads.

Perfect for the boyfriend taking off on one of his all-too-frequent business trips. Or the girlfriend about to meet an ex-boyfriend for a 'harmless' lunch. Oh man, what if they did crash and die right afterward? Then you'd feel pretty bad.

Sometimes your friends will wonder why you ended up dating a less-attractive guy who had no business going out with you. "Is he rich?" They ask. "Is he a very caring person with a great sense of humor?" Then, not too long afterward, when he's not as rich, funny or caring, you'll probably wonder why the fuck you dated him too. If you're not going to dump the guy, you might as well use this card to keep him in line.

I think this one pretty much speaks for itself. But before you get the wrong idea, I'm a romantic and idealist at heart. You all have a crantastic Valentine's Day.

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