February 23rd, 2005


On Behalf Of Male External Sex Organs ...


Dear Women,

Please stop biting off our genitals.

Please refrain from tearing off our testicles with your bare hands. Or cutting off our penises and flushing them down the toilet.

I understand that there are a few good reasons for doing so, like protecting yourself from an attempted rape or making an anti-AIDS potion. But getting dumped or anticipating getting dumped? Couldn't you have just left him an angry voicemail instead of ripping out his left nut and trying to swallow it whole like a giant multivitamin?

Granted, the other guy whose girlfriend sliced off his dick might've been a little smarter:

GIRL: I know you're about to break up with me and I've exhibited signs of mental instability, but can I tie you up while you're naked?

GUY: Mmmm ... sure.

But that doesn't make what happened to the poor bastard any less tragic and unnecessary. And these incidents are becoming alarmingly more frequent. Next thing you know, you'll be reaching for the hunting knife when he forgets to compliment your new hair color. So please, for the love of God, if your boyfriend cuts off your relationship, let that be the only thing that gets severed. Checkity check yo'self.



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