February 28th, 2005


A Jamie Foxx Story. And, A Diarrhea Story.

Spent the day working (Thanks for your links in the previous entry, BTW.), so I only caught the last 30 minutes of the Academy Awards. Jamie Foxx won, as expected. My girlfriend started tearing up at the end of his speech, when he thanked his grandmother. I was about to laugh and call her a pussy, but then I realized that I was a bit touched too.

A long-ass time ago, in the summer after its first season, “In Living Color” held a casting audition to add two more members. My friend won tickets to see the audition at the Laugh Factory on Sunset and invited me to come along. The audition basically consisted of an endless stream of minority stand-up comedians doing five-minute bits, with the bigger names like Margaret Cho going first.

The scrubs and unknowns auditioned almost two hours later, and one of them was Jamie Foxx. And, get this, his entire routine was about his grandmother. From what I remember, it consisted of him doing impressions of her accusing him of having AIDS. Everybody in the house was fucking dying. Needless to say, he made the cast along with a Korean guy, Steve Park (Margaret Cho was about as funny as a neck zit that night.). Basically his grandmother, and his terrifying gift for mimicry, helped him get his big start. It's a shame she passed away this past October, only a few months before her grandson's Best Actor acceptance speech.

But I laughed at my girlfriend anyway.


Oh man, I just heard the funniest story at a friends’ birthday party on Friday involving someone I know. Obviously it’s about female diarrhea.

She was driving home one night when all of a sudden she was struck with a cold sweat and a powerful bowel quake. Immediately she knew that she had precisely 30 seconds to find a toilet or her car’s interior would be completely annihilated.

Luckily there was a freeway exit nearby. Unluckily it was a residential area. But at this point she didn’t care. Pulling up in front of the first house she saw, she parked the car and jumped out in a sheer state of panic and pain.

The front yard had no bushes; so she tore off her underwear, pulled up her skirt and exploded right there in the middle of the lawn. Now, the best part is how she released her anal wrath.

Fearing that squatting would put her ass cheeks in danger of splashback, she assumed a crab position. Not wanting to unload it all on one spot, thereby risking a pile that could spread to her feet, she crawled backwards across the lawn in the crab position. Screaming and shitting the whole time.

To her knowledge, there were no witnesses, despite all the sounds of agony. But if someone had looked out the window, this is what he would’ve seen:

Artist's rendering.

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