April 19th, 2005


Why Monkeys And Robots Should Never Work Together.

A coworker mentioned during lunch that a police department in Arizona was trying to train a monkey for its SWAT team. Now I'm a big fan of those cute little primates - even the executive creative director always accuses me of trying to put a monkey in everything - but a SWAT monkey? How'd they even come up with this insane idea?

SWAT COMMANDER: Damn it, the terrorists have killed another hostage. Where's our sniper?

SWAT MEMBER: He's dead, sir. And the first team, they're all dead too. We've lost contact with the second team. Sir, we're running out of time!

SWAT COMMANDER: Fuck! If we only had a monkey!

But it turned out the story's true. Then, while reading the article, I came across this sentence: "...the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go."

WTF? Robots are already on SWAT teams? Did I just wake up in a low-budget sci-fi movie starring Peter Weller? It was then I remembered this guy:

Not quite Robocop, but this robot fires grenades from four menacing cannons; and its prototype was developed by a company called Metal Storm. Metal Storm? It's exactly what a screenwriter would name a company in a low-budget sci-fi movie starring Peter Weller. Anyway this robot's built for war, not police work, so it wouldn't be working with the SWAT monkey. That is, until they come up with Delta Force monkey.

And that's the last thing mankind wants: Robots and monkeys working together. Because each of them is already our biggest threat to dethroning us as the earth's most dominant beings. The dumbest thing we can do is team them up.

Sure, in the beginning, they might not get along. It's only natural that the uptight, rules-abiding robot will be annoyed with the monkey's care-free, partying ways. But eventually they'll learn to like and respect each other, and become allies. Naturally, you all know what comes next ...

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