May 1st, 2005


Brown Love.


Many years ago, four of us were driving overnight to a friend's wedding. Normally when you have four guys stuck on a long roadtrip, the topic will either be sports or sex. As it was baseball season, we talked about sex. We went over the usual questions:

"Where's the strangest place you've done it?"
"What's the most you've done it in a 24-hour period?"
"What's your favorite position?"

"Anal," replied the driver. This answer caught us off-guard a bit.

"So not just doggy-style," I asked. "You specifically prefer ..."

"I specifically prefer putting it in her ass," he replied. "In fact, half the time we're having sex, it's of the backdoor variety."

"Damn, she must be extremely regular by now," joked the front passenger. All of us in the car knew the driver's girlfriend. She attended church every Sunday morning and often had gospel songs playing in her car. Good Lord, she was a cliche. Her dad might as well have been a pastor.

"It can get pretty addicting, that butt sex," said the driver. "You guys know what I mean?"

The car was momentarily quiet.

"You guys have done it, right?" he asked incredulously.

As it turned out, only two out of the four people in the car had experienced brown love. I was not one of those two. Alas, I was an anal virgin. The other was surprisingly my friend Cain. Surprising because he was a huge manwhore in college. Scientists had named a venereal disease named after him.


Six months later ...

"What? You've never done anal?" asked Brent. It's as if a sci-fi geek had discovered I'd never seen "Star Wars."

Brent was a tall, successful attorney. Like Cain, he'd bedded half the women between the ages of 18-23 in California. Unlike Cain, the Hershey Highway was a part of his sexual commute.

"The women just don't seem particularly receptive to it," I replied.

"Of course they aren't," replied Brent. "You can't just flat-out ask them, 'Hey, mind if I stick my dick in your butthole?' You need to do more of a soft sell. I've had a 100% success rate with this technique."

Brent proceeded to describe his soft sell approach to me and, well, I almost vomited. Without getting into too much graphic detail, it involved having to use my tongue and one, then two, fingers.

"No fucking way," I said. "Poo comes out of that tunnel. No way in hell I'm putting my tongue or even my finger in there."

What can I say, I find feces disgusting.

"But you don't mind inserting your penis in there?" he asked.

"I don't eat with my dick," I replied.


As it turned out, Cain would beat me to it.

He had several things going for him. I'd already mentioned the he-slut part. When you give off strong he-sluttish vibes, certain kinds of females just flock to you like neighborhood kids to an ice cream truck. For instance, at a Halloween party, he met a large-breasted angel named Lissy. And Lissy was the kind of girl who'd talk dirty to you over the phone while servicing herself with a vibrator.

The second thing Cain had going for him was that he enjoyed tossing the salad. Then again, he'd screw a dog for $10,000.

But it turned out that Cain never even had to utilize Brent's soft sell approach. Lissy had already done the anal deed with previous boyfriends and was more than willing to deflower Cain. The day after, he excitedly told me about it.

"It's not just tighter. There's all these muscles down there. It's a different sensation altogether," he said with a certain sense of awe. The kind of awe one normally reserves for seeing the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for the first time.

Cain would proceed to do this every night for a week. Then he promptly dumped her.

"The more we were having butt sex, the less I respected her," he explained. "That last night, I was pounding her ass while we were watching this porn video. And she turned her head and asked me to come all over her face and tits like they were doing in the movie. So of course I eventually did. But afterward, when I saw her like that, covered with my semen, I dunno ... I was kinda disgusted with her."

I expected him to follow that up with something like, "And I guess I was disgusted with myself." But he didn't.


So here I am, still an anal virgin. The girlfriend has stated that I will remain one, because she absolutely refuses to consider it. Selfish bastard. Of course, I'm mildly curious - it's every man's nature to want to explore undiscovered country. But for whatever reason, I'm in no hurry to venture beyond the sphincter.

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