Sleeping is the second easiest thing you can do next to breathing. Hmm, maybe regular farting is the second easiest thing – non-regular farting being trying to flatulate silently or into the open mouth of a dozing friend. But sleeping’s definitely in the top three.
Step 1: Close your eyes.
Step 2: Fall unconscious.
That’s it. And yet quite a few of my friends seem to have difficulty sleeping.
“What are you, some kind of retard?” I’ll ask.
I suppose I should be more understanding. After all, during my high school years it’d normally take me about an hour to finally fall asleep. I didn’t mind it so much as I got most of my best thinking done during those dark minutes, wide-awake under the covers. Thoughts of revenge, nude figure skater armies, and global domination floating inside a hormone-charged ether.
As soon as I got to college, though, that all went away. When you stay up ‘til 5 AM on a nightly basis, I guess the sleep just jumps right into you.
Snoozing hasn’t been a problem since, although every once in awhile the insomnia badger will jump out from under the bed and chomp down on the brain stem. Last week, I had to be at the office by 8 AM for a major presentation, so naturally I couldn’t fall asleep ‘til 3. I chalked that up to nervousness. But then the same thing happened this past Tuesday night. And, knowing I had to get up at 7:30 AM today to drop my girlfriend's family off at the airport, I didn't fall asleep last night til 4:15 AM ... although that probably had something to do with my coming home at 3:45.
Anyway, falling asleep has become noticeably more difficult. I even contemplated taking one of those Ambien pills that my insomniac friends eat like candy.
As this is a recent phenomenon, I figured the insomnia could be one of the following reasons.
- Just like last year, the girlfriend’s mom is in town for two months, so I’ve once again found myself back in pseudo-single mode. Because her absence has coincided with the beginning of party season, I’ve been alcoholing with much greater frequency. And the Drink tends to take a hammer to your biological clock.
- New mattress. It’s bigger and firmer and erecter.
- Pillow problems. I go through pillows like Wilmer Valderamma goes through insanely hot girlfriends, except I don't fuck my pillows. I tried out that Tempurpedic pillow for a while, but it didn't live up to the hype. That's the last time I trust the Swedes.
- As hard as it is to believe, I think I’ve grown too accustomed to having the girlfriend sleep next to me. I normally enjoy those nights when I have the mattress to myself and can sleep diagonally in a spread eagle position. But I think maybe the novelty of that has worn off and now my body is wondering where that woman is who keeps trying to squeeze me off the fricking bed.
- I am possessed with powerful demons.
I will try to pull back on the drunkening, umm, starting Sunday. If that doesn’t work, I’ll sleep on our old mattress, which is in my other room. And if that doesn’t work, I will consult professional demon slayers. And if that doesn’t work, I’m stuck waiting for the girlfriend’s mom to head back to Korea.
Ah, before I forget. Was tagged by feisty_arugula:
List five songs that you are currently digging...
Pete Moss -- "Strive To Live"
Cassidy -- "I'mA Hustler" (don't know if I really dig it, but the Jay-Z chorus is seared into my brain meat)
David Holmes -- "Don't Rhyme No Mo'"
Bebel Gilberto -- "Every Day You've Been Away"
Depeche Mode -- "Never Let Me Down Again"
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