July 13th, 2005


Kelly Macdonald's Voice.

A heavier-than-usual workload this summer, thanks to a new model launch. Goddamn this car had better kick some Bimmer ass.

But my brain has been really letting me down lately, at the worst possible moment. It's been in a bit of a slump. I've been thinking of maybe giving it some time off to get its rhythm back, and maybe have my right testicle take its place in the mean time. I'm not trying to impregnate anybody at the moment, so I think Mister Left Nut can easily pick up the slack during his partner's temporary absence.


Speaking of impregnating, ever have a crush on somebody's voice?

It didn't really dawn on me 'til I was watching this movie on HBO, The Girl in the Cafe. The massive age difference between the characters hurt the sexual chemistry, and the pacing of the dialogue reminded me of Will Ferrell in "Old School" after he took a tranquilizer dart to the neck.

But I was drawn in by the G8 Summit subplot and, most of all, I was captivated by Kelly Mac-fricking-donald.

She's an attractive woman; but by no means is she "Jessica Alba" hot or "Audrey Tautou" cute. I'd even go so far as to say she's just decent-looking compared to the other twenty-something actresses.

Doesn't quite fire up the meat missile, does she?

Her voice, on the other hand, is hypnotic to me. I remember hearing it for the first time in "Trainspotting," after Ewan McGregor tries a pick-up line on her character at a dismal Edinburgh nightclub. She shoots him down with the following quote:

"Do you find that this approach usually works? Or let me guess, you've never tried it before. In fact, you don't normally approach girls - am I right? The truth is that you're a quiet sensitive type but, if I'm prepared to take a chance, I might just get to know the inner you: witty, adventurous, passionate, loving, loyal. A little bit crazy, a little bit bad. But hey - don't us girls just love that?"

I was hooked. I even fucking suffered through "Gosford Park" because of her, and she looked like crap. It's her damn voice. The sweet lilt, the soft tone, and that Scottish brogue.

I'm sure my girlfriend won't feel threatened by this crush. After all, it's not like I can run off with Kelly Macdonald's voice and marry it in Hawaii, where human/voice marriages are legal. I could imagine our freakish offspring: half-man, half-Scottish words like focking shite and ya doss coont.

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