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Subject:Contemplating LASIK.
Time:09:23 pm
Last week the girlfriend had LASIK surgery.

Before that she was almost legally blind. When she was wearing her glasses or contact lenses, she was a normal human being. But without them, her eyes were essentially useless, like babies in a knife fight. She'd rely on her sense of smell like the reptiles do, walking around slowly, flicking her tongue and flaring her nostrils to detect prey.

But now, thanks to LASIK, she's got 20/20 vision and can set objects on fire by staring at them. Plus the woman instantly leapfrogged me in the sight department. Now I'm the one who's practically blind. The visually crippled gimp. The guy with weak, puny bitches for eyes.

So since Sunday she's been trying to get me to get LASIK. Can't say it's not tempting. But my vision's actually not that bad: I can see decently without glasses and don't wear them for most of the day. I only wear them when I drive and watch TV.

I used to go sans glasses at bars or parties; but the lack of lighting made my eyes even worse. Then the next day I'd have people angrily asking why I ignored them when they waved at me. So for occasions involving darkness and waving, sensitive people, I wear contacts. Contacts are significantly more annoying than glasses, but the standard-issue, black-frame, Asian hipster wannabe eyewear tends to boost my dork factor at social functions from a moderate 7 to a robust 9.5.





See?

As inconvenient as glasses and contacts are, however, at least if I'm not happy with them I can get new ones. If I get LASIK and I get fucked over with side effects (e.g., Dry Eye Syndrome, severe night glare, uncanny ability to see the undead) or my vision still somehow gets worse, it's not like I can get a new pair of eyes ... at least not without killing a homeless person and harvesting his organs.

Scratch that, I'd kill an eagle and take his eyeballs: I've always wanted to be able to spot a rabbit from a half-mile away.


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