February 27th, 2006


Asshole Cat.

A friend of mine, Penny, is going to be on TV tonight at 9pm. It's a TLC show called Untold Stories of the ER. She'll be playing Axe Stuck In Skull Of Man Wearing Bad Wig. Actually she'll be playing a doctor, which is a bit ironic as she's a doctor in real life. So check out tonight's episode to see what might possibly be LA's only pediatrician/actress.


Cats are often drawn to cars for warmth. There was this one time when a coworker drove to work, and as she was getting out of her car, she heard tiny but terrified meowing coming from under the hood. Apparently a kitten had gone underneath her VW when it was parked at her house, crawled up and slept near the toasty engine. Somehow it survived the drive all the way to our office. After an hour, they were finally able to get the slightly injured but severely traumatized kitten out of the Beetle.

So there's a cat in our neighborhood who enjoys sleeping on the hood of my car every night. But not for warmth. It's because he's an asshole. It was annoying at first: I'd wash my car and the very next morning the once-gleaming hood would be covered with pawprints and hair. Not just some strands of hair, but an explosion of oily fur. That cat needs Rogaine. There was this one time where the cat shed so much, it looked like my automobile was wearing a toupee.

I contemplated waiting in my car late at night and scaring the shit out of asshole cat. Or perhaps training a falcon to wait by the garage and pounce on the fucker.

But in the end I just got used to asshole cat. In fact, several weeks ago I noticed that my car's hood stayed spotless the morning after a wash. Days passed, and still no prints or chunks of asshole cat fur. I started to wonder if something happened to the guy. I even found myself hoping that nothing bad had occurred, and that the owner had moved and taken the little guy with him.

"Or maybe he found another car to sleep on?" I asked myself, feeling a little jealous. "A warmer, younger car ... that whore."

But the emptiness quickly disappeared, because last week I walked to my car and saw the oily hair and muddy pawprints. Asshole cat is back. I'm ordering my falcon.

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