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Subject:My Academy Awards.
Time:11:28 pm

Best Performance In Movie I Didn't Watch But May Rent DVD And Pause On Certain Scenes. Winner: Jessica Alba in Into The Blue.


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So after about a two-month absence, the vertigo came back Sunday. Kind of a bummer as I ended up missing lunch with my kid sister and an Oscar afterparty. Damn you, inner ear.

Speaking of the Academy Awards, I was annoyed that "Crash" won Best Picture, even though it was the only one of the nominated films I actually watched. The movie tried to give a balanced viewpoint for every ethnic group in LA except Asians, who apparently possess no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And it was nowhere near the best picture of '05. Had I been running the Academy Awards, it would've only won "Best Scene Which Made Me Feel Very Guilty For Feeling Somewhat Aroused," which is the scene where slimy policeman Matt Dillon "cops" a feel from the sultry Thandie Newton.

Because you've been eagerly awaiting this, here are the rest of my Academy Awards:


BEST PICTURE
The 40 Year Old Virgin
Hands down, the most entertaining movie of the year.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Grizzly Man
Timothy Treadwell was a quote machine, with such immortal lines as "I'm in love with my animal friends! In love with my animal friends. I'm very, very troubled." It's a shame the bear only appreciated his ability to fill its stomach. My girlfriend thinks this was the worst documentary of the year.

BEST PICTURE ACCORDING TO MY GIRLFRIEND
King Kong
I also enjoyed this flick because Peter Jackson has, for the time being, achieved God-like status with me. But making that boat trip practically take up half the film was a mistake. Also, it would've been cool if Jackson had surprised everyone by changing the ending. It could've ended with King Kong escaping with Naomi Watts to Delaware, where they consummate their love. But that'd be really disgusting. Okay,I'm glad they shot him.

BEST PAINTING IN A FILM
Celebration
That's the name of Todd Cleary's painting in The Wedding Crashers, which depicted Vince Vaughn happily wearing nothing but a fig leaf in a forest. Todd called it "sexual and violent," and I laughed for a good ten minutes from that painting. Even writing about it now has me chuckling. I wish to own it some day and hang it in my cavernous den as I smoke my pipe and play the mandolin.

BEST WEIGHT FLUCTUATION
Christian Bale
Bale, who describes himself as 6'2", lost 63 pounds to presumably play Nicole Richie in a film called The Machinist. He then went from a Auschwitz-esque 121 lbs to about 210 lbs for Batman Begins.

BEST STARS WARS PREQUEL
Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
I know, that's the equivalent of awarding Tightest Female Anus at the AVN Awards. Speaking of porn ...

BEST MIDGET ACTOR WITH PORNSTAR NAME
Deep Roy
The guy was in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Corpse Bride, where strangely he did the voiceover for a midget skeleton. Guess Tim Burton figured you'd be able to tell.

BEST ASIAN FILM THAT DIDN'T GET TURNED INTO A REMAKE FEATURING A WET-HAIRED GIRL MONSTER
Kung Fu Hustle
It came out in Asia a couple of years ago, but somehow it got released in the U.S. last year without starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. Part of me wishes they did do a remake, because the movie made very little sense. It had something to do with old Chinese people beating the shit out of each other - basically a Hong Kong version of Driving Miss Daisy.

BEST PICTURE THAT MADE ME ASK, "THIS IS A WOODY ALLEN MOVIE?"
Match Point
This is probably the only time where I saw Scarlett Johansson and thought, "Wow, she's pretty hot." For some reason the girl never did it for me. Obviously if she paid me to have sex with her, I suppose I wouldn't turn her down. Would that make me a whore?

BEST PICTURE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HATE BUT ACTUALLY ENJOYED
Walk The Line
This was a better movie than Crash, and it didn't even get nominated for Best Picture.


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[icon] caffeineguy
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